The Coy Mistress to Marvell

Had we but world enough and time
I could enjoy your wooing rhyme,
Relish each argument, and see
How you work out each simile.
But, Sir, your verse is full, I find,
Of loving of another kind;
Your vegetable loves have grown
To thrust your Mistress from her throne.
The Grass, you say, is lovelier far
Than damask cheeks and blushes are,
And Oranges you prize above
A more exacting sort of love.
Vainly your Mistress strives to please
A lover amorous of trees,
Who for his solace fain would go
Where Melon, Pear and Apple grow,
Where eager Peach and Nectarine
Throw themselves down among the green.
So pray, Sir, prate no more of love,
Seek for yourself a Citrus grove,
Pay your addresses to a tree,
And Lemon may your answer be.

-Mary Stewart

This is very old.

The Story of Samantha OR Why Mike Is Teh R0XX0R
Me: trig is the worst
Me: just fifteen problems
Me: and i really do almost cry
Mike: is it like geometry?
Me: and then i dont
Me: no
Me: its like
Me: geometry that sat in a dumpster
Me: then a pteradactyl came along
Me: and ate it
Me: then it vomited it on a atomic bomb testing site
Me: then some old man put it in a text book and spelled it wrong
Me: and then some other old man goes on and on about pi while being repulsive
Me: telling us all of the answers
Me: but never actually telling us what they are the answer to
Mike: CRAZEH
Mike: aaah
Me: run and cower
Me: the worst part is
Me: is that its honors
Mike: EW
Me: so it does the entire sequence again
Me: wearing a tacky outfit
Me: and broken platform shoes
Me: with flourescent lighting
Mike: hahaha
Mike: damn
Mike: i ill make sure to not take it next year
Me: and i have fifteen problems of it
Me: so i experience every second of pteradactyl digestion
Me: and i am blinded by the light
Me: and i cant escape it
Me: i cant take the maths that ariane gets away with
Me: because i
Me: in my infinite wisdom
Me: have decided to take ap calculus
Me: and so i must take honors trig
Mike: EHHH
Mike: NOT GOOd
Me: and honors precal
Me: and then the ever encroaching ap calc
Mike: SAM?
Mike: crazines!
Me: yes well
Me: im also in honors anatomy
Me: the craziest part
Me: is i want to be a lawyer
Mike: ::gonk::
Mike: lol
Me: yes well
Me: i have to be well rounded in high school
Me: to get into a good college
Me: then there i shirk math
Mike: :-P
Me: for social studies
Me: so i can get into a good law school
Me: so that i can quickly become a judge
Mike: cool
Me: so then my husband can run away with a young tahtitian
Mike: wow
Mike: you got your life planned
Me: and i can have all of my high society friends
Me: and they can comfort me
Me: then ill join one of those secret sex clubs
Mike: hahahaha
Me: because the courts have jaded my morals
Me: and my husband left me devastated and insecure
Me: and then i will end up getting shot by a screwed over lover of a man i sentenced
Me: but i wont die
Me: ill contract an infection in the hospital
Me: i will sue the county
Me: my friends who are judges will all have to recuse themselves
Mike: hahaha this is great
Mike: lol
Me: my case will be stuck inbetween until i end up so sick that i end up in a hospice
Me: then i will discover on one of my wheelchair rides
Me: that my exhusband contracted syphilis from beverly
Me: and that he is crazy, has a shriveled penis, and is dying
Mike: lmao
Me: and then he will beg my forgiveness inbetween asking for more red socks
Me: and i will pull the plug
Me: but as i lay dying i will discover i accidently pulled my own plug
Mike: haahaha
Me: and i will discover this is what happens when you try to kill someone
Me: then i will not die
Me: but i will find out i didnt actualy have an infection
Me: i just had a reaction to life support
Me: and i will regain my bench
Me: but then i will go crazy
Me: er
Mike: ha
Mike: ha
Mike: ha
Me: and burn down the courthouse
Mike: lovely
Me: and then i will be arrested
Me: and raped
Me: in the ear
Mike: aww!
Mike: oww
Me: by someone who was in arianes sex ed class
Me: and heard her ask about ear sex
Me: and then all my judge friends will not be my friends and have to recuse themselves
Me: but there will be some young man to take my place
Me: and he will pity me and my ever enlarging ear
Mike: heh
Mike: heh
Me: and so will sentence me to solitary confinement
Mike: aw
Me: where the guard bertha will fall in love with me
Me: and i will cry
Me: but then she will set me free
Me: and i dance
Me: and then i discover all of that was taped
Me: so bertha also goes to jail
Me: and i go to a mental home because i danced so oddly
Mike: poor bertha
Mike: hahaha
Mike: what kind of dance?
Me: the cucumber dance
Me: and then
Me: mars will be colonized
Mike: oh, does the cucumber dance turn cucumbers into pickles?
Me: and i will grab the first shuttle there
Me: to avoid the gate disaster
Me: no
Me: its just dancing
Mike: aww
Me: while you have a cucumber
Me: and are eating it
Mike: haha
Mike: are there aliens on mars?
Me: only the kind that are illegal immigrants
Me: i will then be killed in the crossfire of some shooting
Me: but i will be frozen by my exhusband
Me: who is still living
Me: with his swiss cheese brains
Me: and when they unfreeze me
Me: i will bleed to death because that was going to happen anyway
Me: and i will be buried
Me: and the tombstone shall read:
Me: "Samantha
Me: 1988-2789
Me: Whoa..."
Mike: NO
Mike: you cant be dead!
Mike: then i come and resurrect you from the grave with cucumber dance
Mike: and now your a half-zombie half-robot
Me: youre still alive in 2789?
Mike: YES
Mike: cause i put my brain in a machine
Mike: my body is in a ditch in the hillsborugh river
Mike: so you and me start to make a HUGE robo-army and invade eath
Mike: we go and rape all the court houses cause they caused you so much trouble
Me: but im the queen cause im also a zombie
Mike: and lasers flash EVERYwhere
Me: but in a more attractive than the hanging flesh kind
Mike: of course
Mike: then the pirates and ninjas are like
Mike: wtf
Mike: so they fight over the island of lesbos
Mike: cause they want lesbian sex
Mike: so the robots are like wtf
Mike: so they lauch nukes at pluto
Mike: and it dies
Mike: but the zombies are sad
Mike: so they rape the robots
Mike: anally
Mike: it hurts a lot
Me: does a robot have an anus?
Mike: no
Mike: thats why it hurts a lot
Me: ah
Mike: so the pirateas and ninjas are like "we hafta save our robo friends"
Mike: so they bring back to life all the dinosuars
Mike: with a magic remote
Mike: and the t-rex eats all the zombies
Mike: but the t-rez dies from zombie poison
Mike: and the robos have to go to mental facilities to get over the anal rapage
Mike: so Bob the ninja goes to eat at a diner
Mike: and the waiter drops a spoon
Mike: and the ninja flips out and kills everyone in the city
Mike: so the pirates are like "ARGGGH"
Mike: and bob is like
Mike: shit
Mike: so he pisses his pants and suffocates himself in milk
Mike: the normal- ninja suicide
Me: and we continue to rule the worlds
Mike: yes with an iron foot
Mike: until california decides to break away from america
Mike: to go hang with hawaii
Mike: alaska can come too
Mike: and its one big trio of crazy, annoyed american states
Me: thus ended the saga of samantha and mike, crazy robot tyrants
Mike: yes indeed

"So you like my sister?"
"Uh, I really like your sister, yeah"
"I knew it! Hey Melody!"
"Um, your sister's deaf..."
"Oh. I am drunk"

"Help! I'm in a pickup truck full of psychic cannibals!"

"By the combined crotches of the Vestal Virgins, you look good!"

"Youre so handsome. I bet my real boyfriend's better looking than her fake one"
"Gazoo is a sweet piece of man-meat. I don't know if I can beat that"

"I still have four days. If I pissed from here, it'd reach the sea in four days"
"What kind of proverb is that?"

"By the end of return of the king, Sam is always my favorite character. Before that, I hate him"
"He does get a lot of development"
"I guess juxtaposed to how homosexually useless frodo is, his ruggedness gets bumped a lot in return"

"This fucking town's a fucking cuss;
No fucking trams, no fucking bus;
Nobody cares for fucking us
In fucking Halkirk.

No fucking sport, no fucking games,
No fucking fun. The fucking dames
Won't even give their fucking names
In fucking Halkirk."
-The song of soldiers stationed in Halkirk, Scotland in WWII

"He knew he should be pooh-poohed; but the question was one of the highest importance"
Mr. Dillwyn, Member of Parliament, 1881

"Perhaps even this knowledge could have added little to that exquisite moment, when, unhoped for, she passed close to him, and the fragrant air from her brushed his cheek; and seemed to whisper, 'follow me and be my slave!'"

"Hi!"
"Hi."
"I'm Santa Claus!"
"I'm the Easter Bunny. We'll have lunch"

"Of course this lovely little bubble had to burst. The weather would break, he would show no interest in her professionally or personally, and she’d live in a pokey London bedsit and have no sex for ever and ever."

"I threw off the blanket thankfully-it smelled of what I tried charitably to imagine was goat-and began to dress"

"I don't think you can really call it two birds with one stone if you're using one of the birds as a stone"

"It's just dumb noobs trying to be Japanese like that ugly dumpster child Naruto"

"Dumbledore dies on page 596. I just saved you four hours and 30 dollars. At least I didn't tell you Snape kills him."

"I'm hungry so I'm gonna go get some food"
"Way to follow your biological urges"
"Well, you said PETA and I got hungry"

"You will be screwed and I mean that literally. You'll be dead"
"I guess I've been doing it wrong..."

"So the definition of insanity is in fact computer"

"If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead yet?"

"It says 'What makes foolish man think I speak Chinese?'"
"I thought you were half Chinese"
"And I think your ancestors were Swedish. Let's hear some Swedish"

"I added flips to my interests"
"Oh no"

"I love you so much"
"Is that because I kill people?"

"She flung her suitcase like you fling your butt"

"I've already been there, I'm not going to squeal...well, maybe once"
"How many times have you seen dogs?"

"I didn't sleep much...So I was hitting keys at what looked like random and then I fell over...Like a whale"

Me: i think i shall fall over now
Me: yes i was right
David: i didn't see it, therefore, it didn't happen
David: .........worst thing to ever be uttered by a historian

"Psychorrhagia, which, not listed as a medical emergency, but sounding like it should be, is the detachment of the soul from the psychic element - the prognosis is presumably grave"

"Any word born of the head, genitals and emotion is bound to have something to say about insanity"

"Her taste in partners is abominable"
"Well, it's a good thing she never dated me because then I'd be a snowman"

"You’ll be as lame as a three-hundred year old horse and then I’ll have to shoot you”

"As it drew level, its driver, leaning out of his cab, yelled something at my companion and sent a black-eyed saluation to me that somehow, without a word being intelligible, made me understand that, though incompetent, I was female and therefore delightful, and that was just how it should be"

"Feeling patriotic today. Thinking about killing a beaver or something"
Happy Canada Day

"She’d never liked the Brontes, had always considered them a bit silly, and that the whole business could have been sorted out in four chapters if only people had talked a bit more rather than wandering around looking rumpled and tortured"

"I don't have any shoes"
"Well, there are lots of shoes in London. You should buy some. I have three pairs, you can have some"

"You asked a unicorn for help"
"Indeed I did"

"What was that?"
"Oh, nothing, I'm just having some Cockfosters"

"I have no doubt in the world of his being a lunatic: for I had filled up the necessary certificates ten days previous to this"

"I rarely find motive in bird vomit"

"Black girls make the best cheese"

"Oh, goodness, no. He is a surly bastard if ever there was one, though he does make a good banana daiquiri."
"You're kidding!"
"Of course I am, dear. There's no such thing as a good banana daiquiri."

"Somebody just gnawed on this arm like some kind of man-corn?"

"He reminded me that Rock Band is like rooting for the Dodgers...It's not about winning, it's about playing the game"

"I spent the next one hundred and twenty seconds using every swear word I know"

"Was that rhetorical?"
"No, it only seems that way because you can't think of an answer"

"That's like the same eyebrow that Alan Rickman raised when he saw Hugh Grant wearing the crocodile on his head"

"I'm Catholic, I can't spread a Wise Man on a Ritz cracker"

"I opened my mouth and all I saw were your teeth"

"Oh yeah? You and what army?"
"Never ask that question, Speedy"

"Few things are more satisfying than steel wool, but I can tell you that kissing you is one of them"

"There are now three rules: Don't die, something to do with armpits, and no nom nom nom-ing of kittens"
"'Something to do with armpits', I don't think that's one you should write on the stone tablet"

"There are often babies"

"I spent four hours screwing the floor today"

"You may as well ask penguins to ponder nuclear physics"

"Ew, I don't want them having sex on my finger!"

"Did something happen at the Emmys?"
"Yeah, I lost"
"Did you...did you flip off the winners of Extreme Home Makeover and tell them to 'suck your dick'?"

"Don't you think that Ann Coulter is like the naughty poster girl of all those old conservative dudes? Like when Rumsfield's beating off he's like 'Yeahh suck it, Ann' And you know Cheney's like 'Yeah, teabag that shit Ann'"

"In case you didn't know the ? implies threesome"

"I'd give you a hug, but I have no pants on!"

"If my deepest, darkest despair had choreography, THIS would be it."

"They're all like, 'NO PRE-MARITAL HAND-HOLDING!'"

"You Trollop!"
"...of daisy."
"Thats Dollop!!"

"I don't give a damn if the bitch look like flava-flav"

"I was just sitting there and out of nowhere my vagina fell asleep, it was so weird. Wait is that normal?"

“Can you explain the phenomenon of using public restrooms as a meeting place for sex?"
"Sure, but first of all, let’s make clear that this isn’t gay sex, ok; this is sex between men who want to have sex with other men.”

"Wait, England and Scotland, those are cities, right?"

"Wasn't my shirt tucked in?"

"Carroll's photographs of Alice have made his reputation as a photographer at the same time as they have popularly unmade the Revd Charles Dodgson's reputation as a 'respectable mature adult'"

"By the way, we're naming a child Burl Ives because it is undoubtedly the best name ever"
"You are going to be pregnant for the entirety of your middle age if you don't stop coming up with baby names"

"The growing cohesiveness of the elite during the Exclusion crisis contributed somewhat to the-?"
"Extreme vagueness of this paper?"

"You get used to it. It's like riding a bicycle. Well, it's more like someone riding a bicycle into your ass"

"'RAWR'...That's 'I love you' in dinosaur"

"The word for turkey in Brazil is Peru"

"OW, you have really big hands!"
"You've seen my penis"

"Did you seriously just rip out my soul and go 'Ha ha!'?"

"Well, I was trying to write 'Fuck, I miss him' but it came out 'Miss, I fuck him'"

"Paula Deen has a recipe for a cake that is called the "Is it really better than sex cake"
"Yeah, maybe it's better than sex with Paula Deen, but I don't think it's better than sex"

"Results for 'hot cake' may contain adult-oriented content. Your SafeSearch filter must be turned off to display these results"

"I totally reverse cowgirled a Scottish lion"

"Let's touch base"
"No. Fuck you"

"It's true, your logic is not linear"
"I think it's Russian"

"R comes before H, H comes before H dot"

"I'm going to Scotland in a few weeks"
"Didn't know you were into dudes in skirts"
"Well, you know, easy access"

"In his discussion of religion and patronage, even the footnotes are filled with tables and he brings in so many examples of different families that the reader can become quite distracted from the central argument. It is good to be thorough, and his research can certainly help future generations of eighteenth-century historians, but he has put so much candy in the bag that either the bag is going to break or the child is going to get diabetes."
-I should not write a paper ever again while thinking of Halloween candy.

"That there is Inequality in the Sexes, and that for the better economy of the World, the Men, who were to be the Law-givers, had the larger share of Reason bestowed upon them, by which means your Sex is the better prepared for the Compliance that is necessary for the better Performance of those Duties which seem to be most properly assign'd to it....[Nature] hath made you such large Amends by other Advantages, for the seeming Injustice of the first Distribution, that the Right of Complaining is come over to our Sex. You have it in your power not only to free yourselves but to subdue your Masters and without Violence throw both their Natural and Legal Authority at your feet."
-George Savile, Marquis of Halifax, "The lady's new year's gift; or, advice to a daughter" c. 1724

"If it's in perfect condition, happy days. If not, have a moan at the customer care department. And don't forget to quote the code on the pot so we know who to send back to noodle school"

"Store in a cool, dry place
(hint: try the cupboard)"

"King Hagan listens contently to your words of wisdom...
"It's a sad day when you can no longer trust friends is like the greed of a family of asparagus Angelpuss," you state thoughtfully.
He ponders all that you have said.
Wow! King Hagan is very impressed."

"Given the choice, I would rather not be a hermaphroditic goat"

"Now that the joyful event was only an hour away, she did have butterflies, or rather, half-starved velociraptors, spiraling around her stomach"

"Compasses point north because of a giant deposit of magnetic iron in Canada"

"Scientists drilled a whole all the way to the center of the earth, ran a microphone down there and heard people screaming, so that means hell is real"

"The Spanish Armada was a single massive ship"

"Babe Ruth was an important figure in baseball because he was the first Negro player"

"A networking teacher told her class that the internet didn't work at night. Yeah, they shut it down at night"

"Our headmaster told our whole assembly that we should have the moral courage to say no to drugs. Cue a double page spread of him doing cocaine off hookers' backs in the Daily Mail"

"Am I hot?"
"I tried to type something, but just got hard instead"

"Gamers across the world rose up in protest, and then sat immediately back down, panting heavily"

"Silly rabbit, tricks are for prostitutes"

"You were once shoved headfirst through someone's vagina. Why are you acting so dignified?"

"I mean, how do you do a clean version of Lysistrata? That would suck ass. I mean, what could it be?
Lysistrata: Stop the war
Athenian: No
Lysistrata: Ok, we're not making you any more sandwiches
Athenian: Oh no, no more sandwiches, but we're addicted
Lysistrata: Tough
Three weeks later
Athenian: WOE IS ME!!!!!! I can't stand not having any more sandwiches! Spartans, make peace!
Spartan: Agreed, that Lysistrata got our women to go on a no sandwich strike too. Let's make peace
There was much rejoicing and sandwiches after peace was made"

"Could there be any doubt that the Jews would seek to harm the Son of God again, knowing that his body was now readily accessible in the form of defenseless crackers?"
-Sam Harris, The End of Faith: Religion, Terror, and the Future of Reason

"God has a special providence for fools, drunks, and the United States of America."
-Otto von Bismarck

"I'd date myself with boobs"

"A Bavarian is halfway between an Austrian and a human being."

"The very existence of the flamethrower proves that at some point, someone, somewhere thought, 'I want to light those people over there on fire, but I'm not quite close enough to get to job done"

"How strange; she and I are both acting as if this is little more than a polite social visit. Please ma'am, ignore my army. I take it everywhere"
-Enchanter, by Sara Douglass

"I was doing sumersaults with her in the air and now I'm pantsless."

"See, it's not really repression, it's a carnival"

"Man, that is colder than a penguin's third nipple"

"Don't lose too many of your marbles this weekend or else Matthew will have to mail them to you"

"I'm sorry"
"For what?"
"The hurricane"
"Well, I wasn't really blaming that on you"

"Perhaps the truth will be known before then"
"Why should it be?"
"He may find it out"
"That old mountebank? He won't find out anything. He's all talk and moustaches"

"I thought he said his new car doesn't have brakes"
"That's never really mattered with Sergey"

"Prithee, milord, but I must fain squat in yon bushes, else I will dampen thy attractive knee"

“You can’t be a successful Dictator and design women’s underclothing. One or the other. Not both.”

"I haven't seen you in so long, but I've seriously been expecting you to just pop out of a tree or slither out from under my bed in the near future... Agh, you already know I miss you an obnoxiously large amount!I need your address(es), so I can send you stale crumpets that you can use in England :) Yes."

"Naptime!"
"Silly, but it's not a nap if we're sleeping"

"Pishposh"
"Caramel corn"

"I have now been intimate with a cockatoo. Something else to cross off my list"

"Beautiful girl in a beautiful dress carrying ground beef...what more could a man ask for?"

"Honey, can you do me a favor?"
"Is it make your shoulder heavy? Cause I can do that"

"If you don't lost your virginity to a happy pink kitty cock I will be very disappointed in you"

"Duties: I escalate account discrepancies that I am not able to fix"

"Reason for Leaving: The plane crashed in the Everglades and we got shut down"

"Is anyone missing a tampon? It's size....blue..."

"You cannot live on a diet of just sperm and rice cakes"

"And that's why you should never lie"
"One day someone might find your naked pregnancy pictures?"

"There's also some fucked up northern european law practices......like clearly the just party will win in a duel"
"I know ive won every duel I've ever had and thus am always right...God lets hope not..."
"Yeah, cause I need someone fun to keep me company in hell and we all know those popes won't be as fun as you"

"I thought you were playing battleship, but it was just your laptop"

"The city of cats and the city of men exist one inside the other, but they are not the same city"

"Marcovaldo realized he had finally reached the heart of the cats' realm, their secret island. And, in his emotion, he almost forgot his fish"

"I'm dead. I died when you started telling me about this. And yet you continue to talk as if I can hear you."
"I think thats what happened to the old woman. I plan on reading this book to any children I may have when im older"
"So you can kill them young and sell their supple flesh to the Irish?"
"Remind me not to breed with you"
"Because I might kill our children in vengence against you and turn a profit by selling their supple flesh to the wide Irish markets?"
"Because you are capable of having ideas that are both completely moronic and yet also prove that you are educated"
"That is a rare talent I am proud to possess."

"Sorry, we were hanging out in the asteroid belt"

"They'd all already seen my ass, I didn't figure it mattered what I said after that"

Note on the Clifton fridge:
"Whoever ate my yogurt is the biggest fucking asshole ever"

"When I heard the Prisoner was taken, I went and examined him, and this he confess'd himself to me, My Wife and I quarrell'd on Wednesday and she going out I follow'd her, and by the Way seeing some Stones, I flung 'em at her; after which she went and lay down in the back House, upon which I followed her, she lay down, and I laid the Door upon her, and then sate upon her for some considerable Time; after this I laid her out, and covered her with Hay, and then left her."

"FYI, don't sit next to a window naked. It's cold"

"Today would be a good day for a backyard orgy"

"Third fold: Swan"

"Don't worry, baby, you don't have a cheerleader butt"

"BED NINJA"

"I have three rules...1 - Silence your phones, but texting is ok. 2 - No sleeping in class, but 5 minute naps are ok. 3 - No alcohol because it's not fair for you to be able to drink if I cannot"

"2050 is the time around when most of you will retire. Do you have plans? I have a plan...(takes out a pack of cigs) Three pack a day habit...yeah I'm not going to make it"

"I never could resist a bathroom cabinet"

"And I am of course female in this sentence"
-Uncle Garth

"Shut the fuck up, or I swear to fucking God I am going to rip out every single goddamned organ in your entire body by order of it's fucking functions and nail them to your fucking skull."

"When the Men met me, one of them ask'd me, what was a Clock? I said, I could not tell. You lye, damn you, says he. Don't damn me, says I. God damn it, says Headly, the Dog mutters, let's thump him. With that I took to my Heels, and they after me, and when I came near the Bason, Headly struck me with a Stick and fell'd me"

"And I wondered to myself how many people who play Hello Kitty online games simulaneously listen to 'Violent Pornography'"

"John Nuttall feared his daughters' visions proved bewitchment by Mary Ashworth and her son - a phobia Nuttall extended to Mary Ashworth's husband from whom he had once hidden behind a tree"

"She was already known as the witch of Withersedge"
"Why?"
"Oh she grew herbs or something"

"Shifty treacherous double dealing vile little bastard"

"I knew you'd know where Hooters is. That's not a lesbian joke"
"Well, I don't like chicken so it actually had to be"

"What is the difference between revolving and rotating?....Well, take for example the old guns that cowboys carry around"
"Revolvers"
"Right. Well, what should they more accurately be called? Rotators. The gun does not revolve around the cowboy"

"In the ninth century St.Anslem of Canterbury had argued that Adam and Eve's disobedience towards God had been transmitted to their descendants, and that God, according to justice, could not cease to be offended until compensation had been paid. Thus, man owed a debt of restitution to God which could not be paid because man had nothing to offer which was not God's. Only God could satisfy the debt, but since the satisfaction was owed by man, it could only be made by someone who was both God and man, and this was Christ, who redeemed the debt for men through his sacrafice, thus restoring them to favour"

"That first part, where he's with his aunt and then when he's with that fat guy...well, whoever, that fat guy, and then he gets on the train and walks through the walls...well, I thought it was really good until then but when they got to...whatever, that academy thing, that's when it all started to break down"
-My father, on the first Harry Potter movie

"A strange thing. As soon as I drink tea, someone invisible tugs at my arm telling me to write to you...Why would this be? If only this desire appeared during coffee, then at least it would be understandable. In my memory you are glued to coffee: you poured it yourself and put sugar in it for me; but during tea you performed no service. Why is this?"

"Have you ever tried dancing a trepak all over the room in nothing but your nightshirt when you get up from bed?"

"Oh, no! I picked the wrong shade of dusty green!"

"Papers should be NO MORE THAN FOUR pages. I will read a fifth page only if I am about to weep from the sublime beauty of your prose."

"Strong similarities among papers will be taken as evidence of plagarism rather than telepathy. Spelling matters. Grammar matters. Coherent sentences are nice. Paragraphs that follow their topic sentences make me smile."

"Four sum raisin, ewe Kant all weighs ray lie on a spell chequer."

"Physics is like sex. Sure, it may give some practical results, but that's not why we do it."

"Let's go kill some racists with our nipples!"

"I will have children with you solely so I can kill those children"

"I swear, Officer, they're not mine, I stole them from my friend"

"And I'd just like to say something to all of those who went before:
Thank you for being poisoned by the random plants you found so that one day we would all know what not to eat"

"The Hayashi sect could even understand Christianity, but interest rates were just beyond their scope"

"Do not try to force paper into the All-in-One because it will try to eat your first born child"

"Beef-Bam thinks I'm deep"

"Another word for like...power hungry?"
"You're asking the Chem major?"
"It's like greedy...Ambitious!"
"...I don't know if that's quite right. I don't know the context you're using it in"
"Don't worry about it. It's like when you ask me about Physics"

"I think I may have come to the wrong house. Can I get a hug?"
- Would-be Robber

"I mean, immortal maybe, but nobody's that immortal"

"Wow, Helen of Troy, you really hafta be a babe to play her"
"We're only requiring that she launch a hundred ships"

"Is it wrong to laugh at a blind person if they step in animal waste?"

"So I took the shotgun off the wall and fired two warning shots....into his head"

"That was actually a prayer. It wasn't answered"

"Pretty tough words for somebody who's as easy to catch as a case of the clap"

"I'm going to start charging you money for being vague"

"It makes me happy when it looks like my toothbrush is making out with yours"

"I find it ironic that a man hater is responsible for such a complete murder of feminism; saying that a woman has no control over her choices when she's drunk, but a man does not only changes a good stereotype, it says that men are stronger and better than women. Plus, I feel that her existence in any position of power just set women back twenty years at least"

"You really can't rape a man"
"Bro rape!"

"I effing love Loop Guru"
"I know"
"I need them!"
"You could put them with the babies"

"I've been in this room for three hours now...kill me"
"I just might...with my arsenic/mint"

"Is it Kurt yet?"

"Yeah, stoners are the only people more boring than Christians. And they both try to convert you!"

"Now I'm constantly thinking about my vagina"

"Oh no, the word vagina does not go on my Facebook"

"Why would I need to hire a FAME kid as a baby sitter?"
"For all of your children of course"
"You mean the ones I've stolen? That is a good point, there are so many"

"In the United States, the Mansion of Bliss game never really took off, despite the fact that "the mansion of bliss" was also used as an admiring term for a woman's breasts"

“Obviously you will be having the filter installed between your brain and your mouth next week"

"Look at that woman"
"Is she dusting the fake trees?....They are fake, right?"
"I assume/hope so...she's more attacking it than dusting it"
"Is she pruning the fake trees?!"
"That is definitely what it looks like"
"Does she even work here?"
"Oh crazy plant lady...I love Emory"

"Dude, I laughed so hard I broke quiet hours"

"I don't just look at my penguin in the middle of the day"

"That's why little girls like rocking horses"
"That's not why I did! I liked it because it was a pony!"
"I'm sorry to break it to you, but no"
"My whole life is a lie!"

"I rode horses for eight years though! I'm so dirty!"
"Well, that's not why you did it, it was just like enjoyment on the side"
"What if it was though? My whole life is a lie!"

David: samantha, can i tell you a secret?
David: i think i have a crush on someone
Me: who?
Me: the spoke?
David: well besides the spoke
David: 'AROLD!!!
David: just flying's so sexy.....and those passenger seats just turn me on like nothing else
David: AND WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Me: well you see
Me: when you were a small child
Me: this flying sheep came to you in your dreams
Me: and ever since that magical night
Me: you havent been able to get it out of your mind
Me: you need the sheep
Me: you
Me: need
Me: 'arold
David: lol, i already admitted i'm gay.....
David: is the next step to admit i'm sexually attracted to flying sheep too?
Me: well, i believe thats what the baptists have been saying

"Well, I'm Catholic, so the only condom I need is the one for my ipod"

"A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engine ered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises."
-It could happen to you.

" I enjoyed your article in today's paper about preparing matzo balls. It reminds me of my poor attempt at humor with some of my goyishe friends. One was a sympathizer of PETA and I had fun jerking his chain a little bit.
I asked him if he had heard of GETM, or Goyim for the Ethical Treatment of Matzos. He had not, since I just made it up. I explained that there were Matzo breeding farms and that just before Passover most of the male matzos were rounded up and then the shocet performed the ritual slaughter and removed the batezem, or testicles from each matzo. The remainder of each male matzo carcass was sent to Chinese restaurants and it was considered treif, even if the Chinese cooks called it beef in their various dishes. I explained that the mama matzos (or mamzers) were spared and bred again.
I explained the laws of ritual slaughter, or shechitah, to him and explained that it was done in the least painful way possible, but that the members of GETM were trying to find the locations of these matzo breeding farms and free the matzos.
I told him he should get some bumper stickers made up for his group with the legend: FREE THE MATZOS. I had him going until he confronted a person who told him where matzos really came from."

"I wanted to learn how to fly an aeroplane"
"OH an aeroplane. Well, we are grand, aren't we? 'No, no, no more buttered scones for me, waiter, I'm off to play the grand piano. Pardon me while I fly my aeroplane'"

"There are no "okay" alligator wrestlers"

"Man, that's a great idea, I need to start covering my breasts when I talk, too. Maybe people will listen then!"

"I don't think I'm cut out for the whole bright and sunny thing but I'm glad you're in my bathtub"

"I want to take a nap"
"Well, that's a shame since you can't. For you see, you have not yet seceded from the Union"

"Oh no, it's the penultimate pornpocalypse"

"I'm almost fifty years old and I've never before seen a man take his guitar to the bathroom with him"

"I could actually hear you smile"

"At least we'll know where the hotel is tomorrow"
"We say that every time and we never fucking find it"

"Who is so stressed out at Disney World that they need to get high?"

Cook should never wax his floors.

"You have to understand that the New England colonies were never that important to England. In some ways, Newfoundland was more important. Newfoundland, for example, produced cod which is useful; New England only produced Puritans which are assholes"

"You could stab me in the face and do you honestly think I'd stop loving you for it as i died? I'd be cliche enough to quote a lyric here, but that'd be silly"

"He's a lawn golem. That pointed hat was like prison garb. He shivved the Guatemalan groundskeeper, ditched his pointed hat in an alleyway, and mugged a cartoon hobo for his clothes"

"I got shot in the Rhonda!"

"When you look at the word Catholic it just looks like you're addicted to cats"
"That's actually where it comes from...slash it means open or universal....but mostly it's the cat thing"

"Damn it!...I had syphillis, but then I lost it"

"What-the-fuck-Kassie?!"

Points a gun
"Gimme all your cosmetics and your singles"
"Ooooo! Are we going to a strip club?"

"Tiddly-winks are like a cold window on my arm"

"We: The only time "I is" is acceptable in a sentence"

"Ugly people shouldn't be allowed to smile that much"

"Your cutest face is your bewildered face...you look like a cute little hamster that I just want to step on"
"You want to step on me?!.....Hell, you want to step on hamsters?!?"

"You guys could teach a course on how to defend yourself if a man falls out of the ceiling of your shower on you"

"The alliteration in this book is really anti-feminist"

A balding Librarian saying, "Or do you want to just do it?" followed by, "You know you want to" is one of the more distressing experiences of my day.

"P.S. Note that it is excusable for a seven year old to use Hello Kitty stickers"

"I would just be retarded. And I can't be retarded in chemistry"

"Clitherow herself had performed this equivalence in a practice which she (and Mush after her) termed 'her pilgrimage'."

"C'mon, Vinnie, you know you want a hunk of meat"

"Those are the things that I eat
You forgot the souls"

"I found a fetus in the toilet"

"Oh, Roly, you're always hungry..."

"Anyways, he should totally cum...I mean....come to our next party"

"No institution that regularly appoints its officials for other reasons than their real fitness for the job can do anything but decline"

"All right, one thousand, but she'd better fuck him like Helen of Troy with her ass on fire, or I'll know about it"

"How was he then?"
"Like bull"

"That's just the way things are when you're stupid"

"I wish my pussy could break someone's nose"

"How does it feel to have someone throw up on your soul?"

"I'm a person activist"

"And malaria's like 'RAWR'"

"What was that woman talking to you about?"
"She was telling me how to use the masturbation pony"

"Since when is there a 'y' in panda?"

"I wondered if there was something wrong with me because it was real easy for me to lie, even to a pack of religious people on Sunday morning"

"Sarah mentioned that you were burning the midnight oil down there and tearing through the courses like Coach Gordon in a buffet line. Be careful and dont burn out; many great things are expected of you (Goal #1 Rule the World, Goal #2 Give Coach Betts a better job.....)"

"I thought that baby was cotton candy...I was like 'Where did that man get such a big thing of cotton candy?...Oh, it's his baby'..."

"In fact Dorset had already incurred the anger and resentment of several councillors by issuing orders himself in the name of Edward V, signing them 'Brother Uterine to the King'"
"Why would you mention a uterus on a state document?"

"I am known for my ability to state the obvious"

"There's nothing worse than having dried cum on your chest the next day at work"

"Life is hard...and so am I"

"I laughed so hard, I was cured of cancer"

"There's no cheese in Michigan"

"It's sad when my friends and I get together now...it's like it takes a village to make a sentence...forget the babies, we can't even get the words right"

"That's one way to do it..."
"This way you don't see me naked"
"I've seen you naked"
"No, it was dark"
"I have eyes like a cat"

"...yet were a crucial part of the provider system for managing some species of mentally incompetent poor..."
I didn't realize there were different species of the human...species...

"Did he know Chase was there still?"
"Unless he has the short term memory of a gummy bear"

"I just had to translate 'We service 65532 bushes'"
"I love that"
"You love to service bushes?"
"Of course"
"Did the Holy Spirit tell you to service the bushes?"
"As long as they're not burning, then it's sacreligious"

"When's my birthday?"
"March 14"
"Congratulations, you just earned yourself a sexual favor"
"As if I need to answer trivia to get sexual favors"
"See, but you earned this one"

"I was the most popular kid on the playground because I was the only one that would say penis or vagina"

"There was this creepy old guy like half stalking me...and I swear he had scabies or something..."
"Wow, Scabies Man and Krabs...what a superhero team"

"What's in my pocket?"
"Is it Scabies Man?"

"Clearly a cat could not defeat Voldemort"

"Catholics are very loving...the Vatican is shaped like a hug!"

"Groining is quite the bonding activity"

"Do you know my middle name?"
"What does it start with?"
"M"
"REGINALD"
"Because that so starts with an 'm' now"
"It's a silent m..."
"Mreginald?"

"Can I sit on your bed?"
"Oh, do you want me to move off of yours?"
"No, it's cool, I never sit here"
"Yeah, people don't often conjugate on my bed"
"....conjugate, eh?"
"Congregate. I said congregate"

"But the evidence adduced so far is sparse, and judgement on the swinging Victorians must be suspended"

"What's the word for breaking something in by having sex on it?....Christened! It was christened that weekend"

"You're right; but just as fame wouldn't have come my way if I were from Seriphos, so I wouldn't come your way if you were from Athens"

"I want to live and I want to love and I want to catch something I might be ashamed of"

"I am Goldcrest! The one and only legendary COCK of the NORTH"

Whistle
"That sounded just like a canary!"
"I'm an only child"

"So is the fourth quarter the last one?....Oh...just kidding..."

"I notice a distinct lack of information on how your midterm went, but we'll let that pass for now"

"Ashlyn, you're such a shade! Shadar! Beep, beep, beep!"

"The centuries-old tradition in which people speaking in tongues had challenged the validity of Catholic doctrine was thus obstensibly set aside"
"Somebody missed that memo"

"Hey, did I say boulet on?"

"I don't like to see babies look creepy...I have babies..."

"Likewise, never pluck your eyebrows after a couple of glasses of wine"

"War is win or die; there is no moral high ground"
"In 1939, Poland had the moral high ground. Somehow, it made no difference to the Germans"

"I am so glad Wal-Mart is going to offer cheaper drugs. It would take drugs to make me shop there"

"Is it wrong to smoke a dead man's cigarette?"

"You three need to start a group called 'Sharon Drove Me All Over Tampa When I Was 12 And I Repaid Her With Gratuitous Use of the Words "LIKE TOTALLY" and "WHATEVER"'"
"Like totally"
"If I remember correctly, you were the one in the backseat waxing philosophic on Dostoevsky. Then Vanessa would counter with 'PPSSHHH! Now shut the hell up and quote my favorite lines from Proust.' Then Britney and I would run away with our Clifford books."

"Well, I don't like asbestos either, it gives me cancer"

"Ben Fisher could be your child, you don't even know"

My new favorite outfit:
A red shirt with a yellow star
Orange Chucks with blue laces
An American flag bandana tied around the forehead
Baggy, spandex snakeskin patterned pants

"I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence"

"There should be a law that says you can't fire a cannon at six in the morning in a residential area"

"Book it to the fucking roundabout"

"Move like an owl"

"How many SAs does it take to fix a stereo?"

"So we were going to bed and I'm just lying there and then I start hearing noises...like condom noises, like the snap and then some squishy noises...and then she starts moaning and there is no way he was that good...no wonder he likes her so much"

"You hear stuff about being sexiled but you never think it will happen to you"

New Scholarship: Texas Sheep and Goat Raiser's Auxiliary Letter Writing Contest

Now, I ask you...do I really seem to be eligible for this?

“Cow bridge!”

“I should walk you to your door, it’s like twelve thirty”
“What you think I’m going to get raped from like here to there?”
“Bro raped”

“…I really like women better than men; they are braver, one can be more frank with them.”
“Ah, yes, but you never have anything to do with them!”
“I? What am I doing but talking perfectly sincerely to a woman at this moment?”
“Yes, talking…”
“And what more could I do if you were a man, than talk perfectly sincerely to you?”
“Nothing perhaps. But a woman…”
“A woman wants you to like her and talk to her, and at the same time love her and desire her; and it seems to me the two things should be mutually exclusive.”
“But they shouldn’t be!”
“No doubt that water ought not to be as wet as it is; it overdoes it in wetness. But there it is! I like women and talk to them, and therefore don’t love them and desire them. The two things don’t happen at the same time in me.”
“I think they ought to.”
“All right. The fact that things ought to be something else than what they are, is not my department.”
“Do you like me?”
“Very much! And you see there’s no question of kissing between us, is there?”
“None at all! But oughtn’t there to be?”
“Why, in God’s name? I like Clifford, but what would you say if I went and kissed him?”
“But isn’t there a difference?”
“Where does it lie, as far as we’re concerned? We’re all intelligent human beings, and the male and female business is in abeyance. Just in abeyance.”

“If they be not nice to me
What care I how nice they be?”

“There speaks the lascivious Celt”
“Lascivious! Well, why not-? I can’t see I do a woman any more harm by sleeping with her than by dancing with her…or even talking to her about the weather. It’s just an interchange of sensations instead of ideas, so why not?”
“Be as promiscuous as the rabbits!”
“Why not? What’s wrong with rabbits?”

Old Man: I'm reading a really sad book
Woman: What book?
Old Man: The Kama Sutra
Woman: ...............
Old Man: It's sad for me...

"We're all going to die here, huddled up like morons, waiting for an evil sorceress to fry our brains."
"She isn't a sorceress, she's the moron and she's possessed by a sorceress."
"FINE. We're all going to die here, huddled up away from a moron, waiting for a possessed sorceress to fry our brains."
"Actually, sorceresses don't fry brains. Well, I suppose they could but they really don't like to. They like to just wave their hand and take your life."
"FINE. We're all going to die here, huddled up away from a moron, waiting for a possessed sorceress to steal our lives away. Any problems with that one?"
"No, that's just about correct."
"Yes, I'd say so."
"Oh, but wait, I'd say we're morons too or we'd have known she was possessed before things got this bad..."
"Oh...Damn you both..."

"Hell no, I'm not taking Mittens anywhere!"

"Why does everyone think I like him? I say, 'Wow, if I took him to homecoming, I know he won't try to rape me' And that translates to:'I LOFEEE HEEM END WUUD LEK TU FKNFKJCNOIK HEEM. EET WUUD B NEISDDCE...' I'll never understand that..."

"We haven't even seen each other in a year"
"That's not true, we see each other all the time"
"Only because you stalk me"
"I don't stalk you..I lurk.......but when I'm not there, you look for me!"
"How do you know?
"...Because I am there, lurking from a distance"

"I have to go get my puss-hole inspected"
"And sprayed? Disinfected? Make sure there are no bugs?"
"!!!!!!! You're so disgusting!"
"What, you're the one that said it like that in the first place"

My Graduation Present From My Sister:
"So I was driving home from school yesterday and my phone rang. My phone rings often so I had no reason to expect that anything out of the ordinary was going on. I looked at the screen, an 813 number. Odd, but once again, I suspected nothing. Naively, I answered.
'Hello'
'Elizabeth?' It seemed to be a man of some sort.
'Yea'
'Elizabeth Grow?'
'Uh-huh,' it was at this point that I started getting nervous. The voice was familiar but it couldn't be....
'Elizabeth, this is Julie Jones. Julie Jones from Robinson High School. You might remember me as Jules.' What? Jules?
No,' I said, hoping she would hang up.
'Think back Elizabeth. Class of '02. Soccer? I was the other captain. National Honor Society? Are you drunk?'
'I'm not drunk, I just took a big hit of crack though.'
'Crack-cocaine? Do you want to be a prostitute?'
'Is that an offer big daddy?' I waited for her to laugh, having briefly forgotten that she had been born without a sense of humor. 'No, I'm not fucked up and yes I remember you. Why are you calling me? And more importantly, where did you get my phone number?'
'Can't a friend call a friend, Elizabeth?'
'Yes, but why are you calling me.'
'Elizabeth, news of your shenanigans has traveled south to Tampa and I have been concerned for quite some time so I have taken the power back and decided to phone you to see if you need a supportive ear.'
'What? Power, shenanigans....what? Julie, excuse me, Jules, what the hell are you talking about?'
'Don't be coy Elizabeth. There is no need to be embarrassed. Pain shared is pain lessened.' I dared not point out her misuse of the word coy.
'Julie, I'm fine....in more ways than one if you know what I mean. He he.' No laughter, she was obviously unimpressed.
'Elizabeth, need I remind you that you are speaking to a multi-talented individual right now. I know that a person like you is easily intimidated by a person like me so for now just pretend that we are equals.'
'We can't possibly be equals Julie, you outweigh me by like 200 pounds at this point.'
'This is not the time for metaphors Elizabeth.' Oh Julie, still in denial.
'Alright, I'll humor you, what have you heard?'
'No, I'll humor you by telling you what you must already know. Drugs, sex and rock and roll. A failed marriage and an amputated arm. Are you happy with the way your life has turned out? I am bewildered. You could have had the world on a serving dish and now you'll be dead in less than a year.' All I really heard was 'bewildered' which I interpretted as 'bewilderbeest', so I laughed. On the other end of the phone I heard a long sigh.
'Then it is all true. Don't cry Elizabeth, just make the most of the time you have left.'
'What? Time left?'
'I know it has Elizabeth, it escapes us all.'
'No no no no. No. Wait, what? Don't answer. I'm not dying sir and if I had only one arm, how could I possibly drive, talk to you, and smoke a cigarette?'
'Oh, that's just grand. You are a smoker too. Well old friend, I understand your need for denial. I myself get sad from time to time. It's okay. I anticipated that this attempt would be fruitless but I have opened the door. If and when you ever find yourself willing to have an adult conversation, you have my number. Use it don't lose it.'
'...Okay,' was the only word that I could think of.
'Fare well Elizabeth. I mean that. Fare well over the rough seas of life. If you ever need a woman of strength, I am not more than a call away and I'll be there when you need a friend.'
'Alright, James Taylor.'
'Julie Jones.'
'Right...bye.'
'Fare..'
'Yea, you too', and I hung up. Well, last time I changed my number it was because a disgruntled dealer to whom I owed a large sum of money was harassing me. I figure that this is a much better reason."

"My mind was already engaged in an emotional merry-go-round, including annoying music"

"This is you in eight years"
"Damn. I HOPE SO. At least I'll keep my rugged good looks; that's all I was really worried about"
"I knew that. So I was showing you the future; giving you comfort in your doubt"

"Right now, I'm at the part where Margarita put on the cream, became 17 years younger, became a witch, and flew around Moscow naked on a broom stick. She just got joined by her friend who also put on the cream and flew naked on a hog"
"Now, that's a good book"

"The special olympics make me very upset"
"Retards shouldnt be let out of their cages; everyone knows that"
"Oh my...aren't there also paralyzed people? Or do they have their own olympics?"

"We all know how a weird guy with a beard smells in general. When you combine that smell with an unwashable costume, it becomes a whole new way to vanquish foes"

"I watch forensic files quite a bit and they never seem to find a patch of oil at a crime scene. It's always skeletons, rotten corpses and traces of blood. If our bones decayed like dinosaur bones it would make crime scenes a lot more happy. No more 'oh no, another dead hooker' it would be 'hooray, another three gallons of crude oil!'"

"Man, a music degree and a focus on bells, twice as worthless in the job market"

"I gotta be witchu"
"Who's witchu?"
"Wit u"
"Oh okay"

"I'm sure later that week the artist created characters based on every single item within ten yards of his desk"
"Beware the maddening menace of LORD STAPLER"
"The Electric Pencil Sharpener"
"Overdue Utility Bill Man"
"The Inhuman Bathroom Key"

"As someone who knows some Italian people I have to say I am really offended by the stereotypical portrayal of Italians as purple gorillas"
"I know quite a few Italians who just happen to be purple gorillas, but I'm offended that they portray Italian purple gorillas as menacing and violent. And homosexual"

"You kids and your red costumes and bug names. That's crazy talk. Back in my day we only had green costumes, and we were glad to have 'em. No fancy tricks or powers either, we just put on a green suit and then we shot people with revolvers like the way it is in the Bible."

"According to Black Condor's bio, he's a senator who was raised by condors in Mongolia, and he learned to fly by watching them. By watching condors, that is, not by watching other senators"
"Ah, well that makes sense, that's exactly how I learned to fuse atoms. I just stared at the sun for a couple weeks"
"I learned to photosynthesize by watching my lawn"
"I like how he was raised by condors yet he becomes a US Senator. I wish the real senate worked like that. I would like to see Joe Biden suddenly try to take Tom DeLay's eyes out with his razor sharp talons"

"Dude, Dave Thomas totally just drove by and leered at us...I thought you should know"

"Kissing is a mortal sin?"
"That's what the pamphlet says"

To clarify the following, I must explain the DYC view of sex:
Boys=Blue
Girls=Red
No one is allowed to make purple

"Purple is the new rape"

"So two girls and a boy are magenta...what would two boys and a girl be?"
"INDIGO"

"But see, he's already purple on his own, so if you have him and two girls you get uber magenta because of his extra red"

"We don't have balls, we have titanium clits. That is a direct quote from your mother. Remember that"
"Oh, I'm writing it down right now"
"I've been waiting for years to pass this on to you. It's your legacy"

"When do you become mostly naked?"
"In about 20 minutes, hopefully"
"When you come over here you mean?"

"This is actually the first religious shirt I've ever owned"
"Think about oral while you wear it"
.....
"Did you?"
"Yes"
"Good girl"

"When the picture wasn't finished loading I just saw Sergey and three girls and I was like snap Sergey's a pimp"

Harridan \HAIR-uh-din\, noun:
A worn-out strumpet; a vixenish woman; a hag.

"Codpiece is funny"
"A codpiece is what they wore in the sixteenth century, since men wore tights then"
"Haha.. silly primordial n00bs and their lack of denim jeans"

Matt: Told you told you told you told you told you.
Me: see i tried to hear your voice do that
Me: but you got tongue tied
Me: in my head

Dear Samantha:
Please write an essay
Describing your Prom night
Or I will shoot your hand off.
Thanks.
-Ariane

Dear Ariane
Mail me a letter about yours
And I'll show you mine
Cordially,
Samantha

Dear Samantha
Your phrasing worries me.
It makes me think perhaps I should not mail you at all.
But I am not very bright a person, and so I will anyway.
But now I must go and eat pasta.
With all apathy,
Ariane

Dear Ariane
One last thing
If you do decide to mail me
Be sure to punch air holes
See you in the funny papers,
Samantha

Dear Samantha
I am worried.
Extremely hungry,
Ariane

“His fascination for goats has nothing to do with being kind to animals.”

"Prom is saturday. I'd rather just go have sex with you"
"Sounds good to me"
"It would probably cost less to go down there"

There are nine ways to be an accessory to sin:
By Counsel
By Command
By Consent
By Provocation
By Praise or Flattery
By Concealment
By Sharing
By Silence
By Defending the Wrong Committed

"My brother talks
and DOES NOT STALK
*STOP"

"It is nearly impossible to have a serious conversation with an armadillo for a screenname"

"I graduate two months from Tuesday"
"Wow, tempus fuget"
"And it flies, too"

“Hey”
“Yes?”
“Are you a fag?”
“WHAT!?”
“Well, only fags say “ewww”
“Oh fuck off!”

"Nothin can make ya feel like a loser more than IMing in the shower while eating peanutbutter kisses"

"You can't throw a rock in Atlanta without hitting some grilled fish taco stand"

"I'm tired of all this sex on the television....I keep falling off"

"1. Sarah
A girl who is so perfect that even being near her makes one happier. A girl who's personality is so kind and caring that it makes Jesus look like a demon, and is loving and considerate of the other rather than herself. She forgives all and cannot hate, unless it's a really bad band. A person who makes the impossible possible. She also has a unique sense of everything, making herself an individual in both music and fashion, and though her music is not commonly appreciated by pop lovers, it's loved by her friends, who some way or another have gained from her friendship. In short, A mortal divinity. The most wonderful person in the world that one would be greatful even to look upon
-Courtesy of urbandictionary.com!"
Deciding to try this for myself, I searched for Samantha:
"Samantha is undefined"
I'm not sure which is a better description

"1. Ariane
A notably striking individual that exemplifies every essense of the words beauty and elegance. See hottie.
I am truely impressed by Ariane's free spirit and good hearted nature."
"You know David wrote that"
"I hope not"
"I would be completely not surprised"
"That's the sad part, neither would I"

"2. Keegan's Hole 3 thumbs upAn Irish boy for which a pub is named after. It's not his butt, I promise"

"Any minute now a squadron of pigs would do a fly-by."

"My armpits smell nice"

"She strode into the room with the air of confidence that only really fantastic underwear can lend"

Me: basically, my wall is a scrapbook
John: I used to do that with my computer.
John: Like, I had... 200 pictures of random shit?
Me: nifty
John: Yeah, then my mom saw one of them from Gasparilla. I took a picture of my friend Chris, and this girl wasn't facing us, but she was lifting her shirt up in the background.
Me: YES
John: My mom thought I was doing some Girls Gone Wild shit or something.
Me: hahahaha
Me: oh thats bad
John: I was like, "She wasn't even facing us. That's like girls gone the other way, but still wild."

"On a side note, I was scrolling down real fast and the Greek Muses quiz looked like it said, 'Good Gracious! Are you Moses?'"

"THINK BEFORE YOU FUCK"

"You've been in college two months and you're already pregnant?...You disappoint me..."

"You will take me Jewish?"

Error: You must be someone's friend to make comments about them.

"Ignorance of good and evil is the most upsetting fact of human life"

"Hunger I can endure, love I cannot"

"You can only protect your liberties in this world by protecting the other man's freedom. You can only be free if I am free"

"Death is not the greatest of evils; it is worse to want to die, and not be able to"

"I have to go steal socks from my brother"
"..."
"Well, how do you get socks?"

Ryan: OMGSAMHAHACANADAISAWSOMEWOO
Me: it really is
Ryan: IFEELBADBECAUSEIFORGOTWHATTODAYWAS
Ryan: TODAYISALLCAPSNOSPACESORPUNCTUATIONDAY
Me: OHMYGOODNESSFERSERIOUSIHADNOCLUE
Me: IWISHIDDRESSEDFORTHEOCCASION
Ryan:HAHAMETOOBUTYOUDONTNEEDTODRESSTHATSTHEBESTPARTITSALLTYPINGHAHAWOOEXCLIMATIONPOINT
Me: THATISGREATIWASWORRIEDIWOULDNTBEGOODENOUGHFORSUCHAHOLIDAY
Ryan:ITSBETTERTHENCHRISTMASCAUSEITSLIKEONCEAWEEK
Me: OHWOWYOUARESORIGHTITISTHEAWESOMENESS
Ryan: HAHAWOO
Ryan: ok im done
Me: yeah it was actually more difficult not to space
Ryan: yeah
Ryan: and i use too ma,ny commas, to not punctua,te

"t 8:44 exactly today I got 7 messages
Titled...
1. Iam Intrested
2. Hey Hottie!
3. Iam Intrested
4. Hey Sexy
5. Hey baby
6. Yummy!!!
7. Hey baby
I wonder if they are related, or maybe everyone just realized I'm awsome all at once. They were from 7 different people. I was sitting here having a conversation then BAM 7 all at once!"
"Well, you are sexy. Seven people were bound to notice. At once."

"Internet porn is like a mousetrap"

"Your eyes are really dark"
"They are?...Gah, I just tried to look at them"

"Hey, look it's Hannya!"

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
-116

"March 3rd has been CANCELLED due to lack of interest... again. Your regularly scheduled news will resume tomorrow when we're sure interest will return. Until then, Happy March 3rd!"

"I was sick and then they took my blood; there was like a pint of samantha just sitting on this table"
"I want a pint of samantha, but then the rest, too"

"Please keep the length of the entries to between 30 and 60 seconds otherwise you will be slapped with a trout"

"I'm content with procrastination."
"I was until i was like 'Oh, no, I dont want to think I'm having senioritis' It was too cliche."
"It is very cliche, but I have dibs on it, because I've been like this in school since 4th grade. It's my lifestyle."
-I love my Tricia-face!

"That makes no sense. Why would two hundred people come into our house to do nothing but urinate, kill the dog, and make a hole in the roof?"

"That's like the pot calling the kettle gay; what a useless insult"

"Kay?
Err kay!
I hate punctuation sometimes"

"That's the great thing about crayons, they can take you more places than starships"

"I can see myself as a Supreme Court Justice one day, sitting there writing the decision of the court that will go in some silly Lanahan Reader one day and saying, 'Guard plus Manatee...Guarantee'"

"So, it's just the log for me"

"I like mammals...mmmm, fur"

"What if I was there right now?"
"You'd be here next to me. Close enough to feel my lips on your ear as I whisper those three, gentle words."
"I am bleeding!"
Long Pause
"No, really, I'm bleeding!"

"Do you have a uniform?"
"Not yet."
"But you will?"
"Ya."
"That's so cute, and you'll have an apron!"
"..I'll never touch you again."
"Yeah, right, you can't resist me."
"Lies."
"Oh wow, I'm going to be dying over you in a cute little uniform all day."
"..."
"Not that kind of dying; more the 'aw, your middle name is Patrick' dying"
"I hate you"
"That's so cute, you hate me"

"Quit bein' taller than me."

"There is nothing so pure and cruel as a child"

"Open foot, insert mouth"

"Plus, she made me a sandwich today, for the first time."
"That took me a minute. I was like 'Ah, the thrills of misogyny...?' but then I remembered she works at Subway"

"There's a certain intimacy that can only be achieved through face to crotch contact"

"Feelings of general happiness and the why that comes with it"

"He wants to know why I want the picture of his penis"
"Tell him your Justin Timberlake poster just isn't doing it for you anymore"

"That could be a new personality quiz. The pokemon you pick reveals your character."

"I got one girl to use a hockey stick. I honestly can't explain that one."

"You only like me for my pickled onions."

Ryan: the FX-55/57 just has the hypertransport, but not duel core
Ignacio R.: RIght
Ignacio R.: I know that

"I mean, nobody likes to get hit with break-up lines, but I can just see her one day coming to him and saying 'I'm sorry, this just isn't going to work. Your head is too big.'"

"This girl looks EXACTLY like the Japanese version of Velma from Scooby-Doo. EXACTLY. And I can't stress that enough. Case in point - one day I was walking with a friend, when I saw Velma in a store. 'Hey, it's Velma!' I mistakenly said to myself. My friend had never seen this girl before or heard the nickname I'd given her, so he turned to me and said 'Velma? Like Scooby-Doo? Who are you calling....(looks up)....HOLY SHIT THAT IS VELMA!'"

"But imagine one day a 14-yr old Japanese girl walks up to you and just shouts out 'Spread your legs!' I had no idea how to react to that. If she'd whipped out a gun or a a samurai sword or even a small woodland animal I could have dealt with that, but 'Spread your legs!' left me completely incapacitated."

"So I asked 'What did the Pilgrims eat for the first Thanksgiving?' One boy enthusiastically raised his hand and said 'Oh, I know, I know! Indians.'
The pilgrims may have screwed the Indians out of their land but I'd like to think at least we didn't eat them."

"I bet you that wasn't even the school's bullhorn. It was probably his own personal bullhorn he brought from home."

"So if you see a girl who is not at all well-adjusted and you think she'd be the last person on Earth fit to have a kid, she's probably as fertile as the supple plains of Idaho. You may not even have to have sex with her, just wave your sperm in her general direction, that should do it."

"CosmoGirl was right, this is so my nail polish color!"

"Being of the opinion that two adolescent heads were more dim-witted than one, he found he wasn't that surprised to find that they had both cooked up this dunderheaded scheme."

"You are the carpenter to my walrus! You know what this calls for? BOOB HUG!"

"You should add a random soliloquy. Explain what it's like to be a card in a world full of 'roundies'."

"Hey, you do know that you have a pair of tits in your recycle bin..."

So, one day, there was this Fish walking down the road.
A Beaver stopped him.
"Excuse me, sir, I was wondering if you are aware there are several bites taken out of your dorsal area?"
He was a well-educated beaver.
The Fish was no slouch either.
"Yes, I am well aware, sir. I was present when they were taken."
The Beaver was perplexed.
"And are you all right with the fact that there were bites taken out of your dorsal region?"
The Fish gave him a long look.
"Well, I ought to be. I took them."
The Beaver was aghast.
"Whyever would you do that, my good man?"
The Fish was now beginning to doubt the beaver's "education".
"Because, you demented absurdity of a mammal, I taste like fish."
The End.

"So."
"Yes?"
"Lacy hat?"
"No."

"Now all I need is a panda."

"Yeah, well you didn't have to watch them molesting him causing his smug but 'oh, I don't care' reaction. I kept trying to turn away, but they kept talking to me. I couldn't stop. It's like when you see someone who's just been eaten by a wild animal. Some parts are left, but it's still really gross. You don't want to look, but you can't help it because it stole your free will."

"You should have them all. Got to catch 'em all."
-Thoughts on virtue.

"I am so anal retentive, I touched up a two year old painting I did for art class."

"Man, if you ever wear this to a party and run into someone with the same costume that's like the perfect moment to form a suicide pact. 'Oh, you don't have anything left to live for either? Want to go outside and asphyxiate in my car with me?' While the two girls in the elaborate Cleopatra costumes are making out on the couch in the living room for attention the two bargain ninja turtles quietly slink away to the garage and hook a hose up to the exhaust."

"Chewbacca struggles for his keys in the poorly lit parking lot. There is an ominous jangling. "Who's there?" The jangling gets louder. Chewbacca finally finds his keys and just as he gets them into the door on his Escort he is taken from behind by a slot machine."

"Snorgle Snorgle...That's how my laugh sounds. I've just realized."

"'Mom! I can explain...Actually, it's pretty much what it looks like, but...' he trailed off realizing he wasn't wearing pants which made him somewhat less of a reliable source."

I was just informed by email that my most ancient website's guestbook had been signed. Out of sheer, morbid curiousity, I looked and discovered this:
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I think they tried to spam me but it was lost in translation. Every few words was a link which I removed to preserve the innocence you may still possess.

"I've never been persuaded you had much of a soul. More like a little damp anchovy stuck between your breasts, trying to breathe. That's what you smell like anyway."

"They looked at her with baleful gloom, as if scraping carrots efficiently was their chief ambition in life."

"I looked at my watch and twenty or twenty five minutes had passed and I realized I had to get dressed..."

"He still had the preponderance, but her little bit of leverage was apparently stronger than she'd dared hope — stuck as she was between a rock and a hard man."

“Nikki asked me to buy her a drink, what should I get her?”
“I don’t know…how about a drink?”
“That’s just it, she told me to surprise her”
“Serve it to her naked.”

"Don't throw up," said exactly the last voice she wanted to hear. "There isn't any water for you to drink and you'll wreck my shoes."

"My, people come and go so quickly here"

"Why don't you haul off and love me?"

"How about this lovely shade of...purpla?"
"That's purple...and yet you had no trouble pronouncing pomegranate"
"It was my mother's name"

One-eyed Joe: So I says to him, I says, "That's no land gnome, that's my wife!" And that children is how I lost my eye.

"Love Means Never Having to Dust the Zucchinis"

"I, Cassie Lee Furr, do bequeath my diamond ring to Miss Croslan, but she'll have to get her own man"

"I, Don Todd, will my spiral sideburns to Jeanne Ellerbe"

"I, Catherine Buckwell, do leave my ability to get around to Betty McDonald with the warning that she'll have to hurry if she covers the ground that I did"

"I, Kitty Davidson, being of a sympathetic nature do will my sharpest bicuspid to 'Toothless' Thomas Templeton"

"I, L.B. Howell, leave my seat in the senior class to my cousin, Jean, in hopes tht in the next 20 or 30 years, she, too, will become a Senior"

"I, Marshall Haywood, leave my horn rimmed glasses to the student council, said glasses to be used in detecting dust while checking rooms"

"I, Morris McLaurin, do bequeath my love for music to Charles Richardson, in the hopes that some day he will learn to play his clarinet"

"I, Betty Brand, will my last bottle of peroxide to Penny Hudson. I may decide to throw in my hair too, for it's had about all the treatments it can stand"

The Caption Next to Betty Brand's Picture:
"Unexpected hair do's...which man now?...hep cat...likable...classy lassie"

"Among morbid options, if your choice is between dying alone in a house full of cats, or dying alone in a house full of moniter lizards, we suggest you choose the former."

"Did you heart my dress?"
"That's not where the blood was."

Lesmo: someday Sam
Lesmo: it'll happen to youuu
Lesmo: or you'll develop a dinosaur fetish..
Lesmo: kinda gross
Lesmo: CAN YOU JUST SHUT UP AND PUT ON THE DINOSAUR SUIT?
Lesmo: I CAN'T DO THIS WITHOUT THE DINOSAUR SUIT.

"BOOB HUG!"

"How would you pronounce a capital letter?"
"I hate it when the books I read are smarter than me"

"The snorts and giggles stop him cold for a second. He shoots me a look I'd like to frame and put on my wall."

"Crope and Tibbett, as if on cue, launched into some silly banter about their professional goals of being abducted by pirates of the desert and made to dance the fandango dressed only in slave shackles."

"Wow.."
"Did you say something?"
"That was...wow..."
"Is that a term for something?"
"Yeah, for damn good"

"You are the best woman to ever exist."
"...because i dont mind sperm?"
"Yes."

"Do you think he'd be a loud orgasmer?"
"Well...hm, how loudly does he sneeze?"
"REALLY loud"
"Well, I heard that sneezing is one-tenth of an orgasm so I suppose the noise you make then is about accurate"
"Ohh.."
"What does it say about me then if when I sneeze I fly backwards?"
"That I feel bad for anyone who has sex with you?"

Disclaimer: Verily, these characters are not mine. I make no money from this. I merely borrowed these characters for fun and then they started giving each other vindictive blowjobs. Who am I stand in their way?

"He paused by the door, turning to eye me suspiciously -- though that might be an unfair description, since he looked at everything suspiciously. He probably looked at his sock drawer with suspicion."

My Ironic Death is as follows:
I will be killed by a drunk driver while I am driving and I'm doing something my father doesn't approve of and if I hadn't been wearing my seatbelt I would've lived.
-I will be killed in a car accident because I prefer driving over flying, statistics be damned.
-It will be a drunk driver because I am always telling people not to drink.
-I will be driving because I always exaggerate how bad I am and say that I will get into accidents.
-My father is always telling me not to drive all around town or do this or that because I'll end up being killed. And he'll be right.
-I ALWAYS wear my seatbelt and tell others to do so.

In the sixteenth century, witch hunting hit its peak. A witch was considered anyone who entered into a pact with the devil and met with her fellow witches in the forest to have an orgy and eat babies. One of the main reasons witches were persecuted was misogyny. The fact that women had many and difficult orgasms spoke of their sexual insatialbility and inclination towards orgasms. Men also believed women to be weak and susceptible to the devil's thrall.

Witches were burned because of the mystery of the female orgasm.

"...I mean, if I can get him to smile or even laugh? Wow. I've always wanted to see what Hell looked like when it was frozen over."

"Damn all pheromones and women in red velvet. "

"It's called dating and not marriage for a reason. People in high school are way too serious. They're like, 'Why aren't you slitting your wrists over a dumb arguement?" and I'm like, "You're dumb." And then they kill themselves. But at least I've saved society."

Mike: you know what tomorrow is!?
Me: twin day?
Mike: no
Mike: well
Mike: maybe for your school
Mike: but

"I've decided I'm going to do something big...and no, it's not him...well, not yet anyway..."

"Arrr. My PC is pissing me off..."
"So, you made a pirate noise?"

"Why would anyone want a hat that says 'Bandildo?'"

"They made a raft out of dead bodies...and then it got weird"

ARTHUR: Hello.
MAN: 'Allo. Whoo is eet?
ARTHUR: I am King Arthur and these are the Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?
MAN: This is the castle of of my master, Guy de Loimbard.
ARTHUR: Please go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest, and if he will give us food and shelter for this night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
MAN: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see?
ARTHUR: What?
GALAHAD: He says they've already got one!
They are stunned.
ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?
MAN: Oh yes. It's very nice
+ CUT TO BATTLEMENTS. THE TAUNTER (MAN) turns to some others.
+MAN: + I told him we already got one.+
They all giggle.
ARTHUR: Well ... can we come up and have a look?
MAN: Of course not! You are English pigs.
ARTHUR: Well, what are you then?
MAN: I'm French. Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king.
GALAHAD: What are you doing in England?
MAN: Mind your own business.
ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail we shall storm your castle.
Murmurs of assent.
MAN: You don't frighten us, English pig-dog! Go and boil your bottoms, son of a silly person. I blow my nose on you, so-called Arthur-king, you and your silly English Kkkk-Nnnnig-Its.
He puts hands to his ears and blows a raspberry.
GALAHAD: What a strange person.
ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man!
MAN: I don't want to talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal, food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
MAN: No. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.

A Post-It Note I Saw On My Guidance Counselor's Desk:
"Emo Kid: Define"

"Thank you so much for helping him"
"Well, I guess I'm just a sucker for stray dogs and naked guys"

NOTE: This conversation is between two males.
"I don't feel like checking your list; do you have inmemory? Anything by them, rather?"
"yea,their first ep and their first lp, which is all that exists by them i think"
"Up it all, and I will have sex with you whenever you want. And I don't mean stupid lie-down boring bitch sex. I'll ride you like a fucking car."
"you have no idea how good that sounds"
"Seriously. You should write that down and look at it whenever you're sad. Because if that doesn't cheer you up, you need a lot of vodka. And in all liklihood, you'll all ready be full of vodka. So that's double happiness."
"i already printed it out and put it in my wallet"
"Damn right."
"alright the ep will probably be up in about 20 minutes and the album in 30-40"
"Thanks, my friend. Seriously, car sex. Not faggy volkswagon 5mph-over-a-speedbump queer strolling. Corvette ninja stomp off a cliff, motherfucker."
"it's cool, i have a cavalier"
"What color is it?"
"yellow, but it's like a dark yellow, manly, not like that gay pale yellow"
"What color's the interior?"
"black, and its got tinted windows for privacy"
"It'll be red after I'm done fiercly pillaging your asshole for upping me InMemory."
"hahaha"
"I'm in a good mood. Haha."
" so am i now"
"You're welcome honey bran cruch."
"thanks sugar tits"
"Tickle my sugarbowl."
"dont tempt me"
"Oh, I'm tempting you."
"Fuck"
"Tickle it, gigglenuts... I fucking love the music and the way his voice sounds. I've all ready masturbated twice to it. At the same time, too. I didn't even know that was possible."
"hahaha"

"I should be the one with your screenname"
LAME

"I didn't even feel my car hit the wall because my heart is broken.
And then I laughed"
DOUBLE LAME

"If I'm not with you, I come when you're naked"

"I'm in a mood."
"What mood is that?"
"The kind that involves me introducing you to my thigh."

"I'm naked for absolutely no reason."
"Meanness is the reason."
"Me being naked is mean to you? You're topless all the god damn time on the phone, or naked for some amount of time"
"And you're always sad."

"Yeah if I was being washed away and doomed, I wouldn't be thinking 'Oh my, it seems like a good day for some RAPE'"

"You know he's been waiting his whole life to take his shirt off in front of a class"

"* Warning: The Surgeon General has determined that if you fall in any of the following categories you read this play at your own risk: accountants, people who won't use trees, Volvo drivers, men who golf, topless dancers, wives of men who golf, Ford Bronco owners, psychologists, people with values, people without values, beer drinkers and users of Preparation H. "

"I could get you stickers"
"But how would you get them to me?"
"I would wait til you come down and stick them to you."
"Do I want to know where or do I want to wait and find out?"
"You will effectively be able to walk outside without a shirt. Hypothetically speaking."

What's better than winning three goldfish at the special olympics?
Not being retarded

Me: yeah, just wait til the sex talk in psych
Me: its just as immature as health as a freshman
Matt: Yes!
Me: the whores typically know less than the virgins
Me: mrs blackmon was appalled
Matt: Haha.
Matt: Well, virgins actually take the time to learn something.
Matt: .....that's why they're still virgins.
Me: haha
Me: quite
Matt: Learning's for virgins!!
Me: then why are all of our ap classes full of sluts?
Matt: I think the previous statement is explanation enough.
Me: perhaps

Sarah: qjerhrlaksjgh;akfjfgh;qdlkfjvn;pwdifjngv;kigjnw;kdjg ;djkfv nw;kjb vlkjkj hwijjg b
Sarah: you should know what I'm saying since that looks like russian
Sergey: oh cute. cute.
Sergey: *does a funny russian dance concluding with a middlefinger*

"Meth wearing off...Personality fading"

Open Lunch Hilarity:
"They have square hamburgers..."
"What's wrong with squares, circle-boy?"
"Damn you."
"Dude, you totally walked into that one"
"Yeah, I know..."

"Yeah, I'm Butch and she's Cassidy"
"Nononononononononononononono"

"I'd rather be a poptart than Matt's right testicle"

Sarah: hahahaha thats pretty funnny because everyone whos skipping will just go and eat lunch wherever they want to anyways
Me: exactly
Me: but this way they dont actually have to give us open lunch
Sarah: FUCK THE MAN

"I know it’s short. My muse is being stingy."

"It wasn’t so much the knowledge that he wasn’t what some would consider a handsome man. He didn’t dislike his looks, but he wasn’t proud of some of the choices he had made. This was what stopped all thoughts of any sort of relationship with decent woman, for he knew that once his past was exposed, no decent one would want him. If he were a woman, he wouldn’t want him."

“The bastard!”
“Actually, my parents were married.”

Me: its all very complicated and i dont have enough words
Me: OMEG
Me: you are too complicated for MY vocabulary
Ariane: hahahaha
Ariane: I rock
Me: asswhore

"YAY, IT'S MY ZEBRA!!!....Aw, man. Ariane's mom died..."

Me: hey
Stephen: Hello.
Me: long time
Stephen: No see.
Me: well i was thinking more no talk
Me: since, obviously no see
Stephen: Yes.
Stephen: Stop calling me when I'm not at my phone.
Stephen: Because I don't find the missed call until later, and I don't call people.
Me: well, ive been trying to get my stephen radar repaired
Me: but the shop i used to use closed
Me: so ive been looking
Me: but to no avail
Stephen: There's a shop for it?
Me: oh, yeah
Me: i used to hang out there sometimes
Me: Tim, the guy who owned it
Me: he was cool
Stephen: heh
Me: he used to tell me about his girlfriends
Me: i used to tell him he was gay
Me: we had a great relationship
Me: but now he lives in a nudist colony in alaska
Me: i told him the cold would have adverse affects
Me: but he didnt listen
Stephen: >_>

"My plastic surgeon says I can't engage in any activities where balls fly at my nose"
"Well, there goes your social life"

"I only have a brother on my mother's side"

"He stared at her for a long time, how she ate those blasted cookies, he wished he were a cookie...Well no, not really, he just wished he was touching her mouth..."

"You raped my fingernails!"

"Stop, Drop, and Roll Won't Work in Hell"

Me: "Suck on a penguin....Tasty"
Me: that could be your slogan
Travis: thats always my slogan
Travis: ever since I was 12

Me: that depends on your preference
Ariane: haha
Me: and how long it takes you to die
Ariane: I'll add that as a sidenote
Ariane: like
Me: like adding nuts to a dessert?
Ariane: yes!!
Ariane: some people would never
Ariane: some are allergic
Ariane: but some think it makes it that much better
Ariane: God, we're morbid


"How about a slow bleeding to death with toenail clippers?"

"I had successfully lured him to my Aviary of Doom..."
"Aviary of Doom? Really, Pengers, you can only be so corny"

"You killed Captain Clown...YOU KILLED CAPTAIN CLOWN!"

"You're going to melt just like a grilled cheese sandwich"

"In case you haven't noticed, I am rather large"

"The mask makes me feel cool"

Stare
"What?...Yes, I know it's a bratwurst in a bag, but that's not the point"

Silence
"Sorry, I was tending to my plants"
What a Keegan thing to say

"No, you shouldn't eat that candy"
"My aunt ate a one pound box of candy every day for her entire life, she lived to be one hundred and two and three days after she died she looked better than you look right now"

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There was a little butterfly named Frederico. He was a lonely butterfly that only wanted some friends, but he has a problem of setting the things he loves on fire. Until one day he met a beautiful spider and he thought 'I want to set her on fire....but I can't she's just too beautiful.' So, he goes to talk to her instead. They talk for hours and Frederico, for the first time, feels happy. But then the spider eats him.
The End.
--By the best story teller EVAR, Travis

"Your picture's in my wallet and I'm sitting on it...if that's not love I don't know what is"

"WHERE'S THE POT?"

"Hey, that one's got spunk. Reminds me a bit of meself...only dumber and not as attractive..."

"Are you going to come eat the chicken?"

"Are you coming? Or are you going?
Or are you cumming, and then going?
Or are you cumming and staying?"

"I feel like Keegan's brother"
Blink, Blink
"Because of the pants"
"Perhaps I just don't know your brother well enough to know why..."
"Or maybe you just don't look at his...lower regions..."

"Samantha? Sex? Haha. You wouldn't get it."
"BITCH, what's to get? Penis + Vagina=Sex"
"Yes, but add Samantha in there and the equation cannot be solved... who are we kidding, my dear.. you make everything difficuLt"
"You're so high maintenance that you probably make it harder(no pun intended)"
"See... we're both such bitches at two extremes"
"Well, we did go to CKS"

Travis: pedophillia-the act of having sex with electronic or mechanical objects
Travis: freaky
Me: hm
Me: thats odd
Me: OMEKNGKJFNDDG
Me: CHILDREN ARE ROBOTS
Travis: haha
Travis: there is a differnce in the o and a
Me: ohhh

"In the event of sabotage, acts of God, terrorism, computer virus or other events or causes beyond the Sponsors' reasonable control which corrupt the integrity, administration, security or proper operation of the Sweepstakes, Sponsors reserve the right to cancel, modify or suspend the Sweepstakes."
--Batman Contest Rules
God: "I smite thee for holding a Batman contest!!!"
Cartoon Network: "I think we'd better cancel"

Earth Chi!
Run

"You know the old saying: you win some, you lose some. And then there’s that little-known third category. But I didn’t come here tonight to talk about the past. After all, I don’t want you to think that I lie awake at night counting and recounting sheep."
--Al Gore is Silly
"A ponytailed man standing next to us confirmed the event, saying, 'I do believe the President of the U.S. just gave you boys the finger.'"
--Best EVAR

"Comoninouttalarane"
"What?"
"Comoninouttalarane"
"What?"
"Naugh!!"
"What?"
"Crackas."
"YES"
-Gremlin Black Lady Who Lives in a Car
 
"I don't think we should cause, you know, I don't want to get raped."
"Why?"
"......Well, it doesn't seem fun. It doesn't sound like it would be a happy good time"
-Riri is silly

Ariane: I got confused for a sex
Ariane: *sec
Me: youre always doing things for a sex

Britney: i'm young & i love to be young
Me: im free and i love to be free
Britney: to live my life the way that i want
Me: to say and do whatever i please
Britney: bah bah bah
Me: we are so gay
Britney: yeah we really are
Me: we are like a hallway apart and we are typing the first wives club song
Britney: as i hear you fiercely typing away

"WHAT IS THAT?!.....Oh, it's Ryan."

"Oh, hello! I've got a nice dead bird in this box! FWAK"

"Sticks and stones can break my bones, but whips and chains excite me"

["I want a girl named Ryan"
"No cause then she'll be butch-dyke cause I know this girl Ryan and shes like butch-dyke"
"Her name could've been Britney and she'd still be a butch-dyke"
"Yes, but if you're name is Britney then you're going to automatically be girly, but if you're a girl and your name is Ryan, then you're a man"

"I would never date you"
"Why?!"
"Because I couldn't even get a fuck out of you, let alone emotional bullshit. I could understand dating you just to fuck the shit out of you but you won't do that"
"What do you mean by emotional bullshit?"
"Even guys who don't want just fucking don't get any emotional shit either"

"BEST BUY! IT'S OPEN!"
"Oh my God, Best Buy on a Friday Night is like my wet dream"]
-Britney and Vanessa and I

David: yes, or, he had sex with his gun and it orgasmed
Me: bullets are gun sperm?
David: Yes

"I just keep asking myself, 'Where did that dancing turtle come from?'"

"I just don't eat people"

Lauren: TURTLE
Me: DANCING
Me: put them together and what have you got
Lauren: DANCING TURTLES OF LOVE!!!!!!!!!!

they're like
AYEM SUXH A LEZBEAN
and I'm like
"You fucking dyke whore, fuck off."
and they're like
YOO R PREGJUCIEDSDEDD
and I'm like
"I'm bisexual, fuckface."
and they're like
...BISTXC
then they leave

Ryan: there, got it out
Me: ...
Me: how wrong that sounds to the perverted mind
Ryan: hope she doesnt feel bad anymore
Ryan: lol!
Me: who why when where and what the hell?
Ryan: Lauren
Me: oh
Me: the fact that youre actually talking about your penis makes that earlier statement worse

"You wear a lot of rainbows"
"I'm bisexual"
"Oh it's just a phase"
-I LOVE IT

"I only have five cards, I need another"
"No, there's one under your boob"
"What? Oh...didn't see it"

"Put the phone down and I'll call for you when it's commercial"
|Minutes Elapse|
"ARIANE!"
"AUGH. That is so freaky, it's like my stomach is calling out to me"
|Spastic Laughter|
"I LOVE IT OMEG THAT'S GREAT"
"I don't love it"

"I can't really picture Angel in tights...|pause|...oh now I can and it's really disturbing"

Olivia: if i ever had to drag his body, being that i killed him or hes unconcious, i would have a hard time.

"Oh, it don't make no kinda sense. Big ol' ox like Grady can't sit and have a meal next to a colored child. But he eats eggs, shoot right out a chicken's ass"

Me: skirt story, flashing, not pants, skinny dipping
Me: honestly
Me: does anything i do NOT involve nudity
Stephen: lol
Stephen: dunno
Me: the irony of this question is i was just naked like five minutes ago
Stephen: lol

"What are you playing?"
"What?"
"I hear video game music, what are you playing?"
"....That's the toilet flushing"
"Oh...must be the phone makes it sound musical..."

"Step One: Slit my throat,
Step Two: Lay in my blood,
Step Three: Cover me in dirty sheets and run laughing out of the house,
Step Four: Stop at Lake Michigan and rinse your crimson hands,
You took me hostage and made your demands, I couldn't meet them so you cut off my fingers,
ONE BY ONE"

"It's a fucked world, We're a fucked up place, Everybody's judged by their fucked up face, Fucked up dreams, Fucked up life, A fucked up kid, With a fucked up knife"

And Now For Samantha, Sarah, And Jessica's Dirty Alphabet
Brought to you by boring as H fourth period.
It has been broken down into simpler terms and explanations for you:

A is for Asshole, B is for Bitch, C is for Cum, but that's not it.
D is for Dumbass and E is for Erection, also F is for Fuck and G is for Gonads, cause you want G to do F, but without E it's not very good.
H is for Hell and that's where you're going if you're an I is for Idiot.
J is for Jackass(or Joey if you'd like) and K is for Kunt(Joey has one we think).
L is for Lick and we're not talking about a popsicle but sometimes something shaped like one.
M is for Masturbation and N is for Nipple and if you think those are related your M may be wrong and I feel sorry for your N.
O is for Orgasm and I need not explain that a P is for Penis is typically involved.
Q is for Queer which is only something dirty to call someone and R is for Rectal and R is for Q's who need to get off.
S is for Shit which is just plain nasty, T is for Tit which some consider S.
U is for Underwear cause they're not always there and V is for Vagina
W is for Willy and X is for X-rated and W usually stars in those with V and R and some T and F and E and half the alphabet.
Y is for Yaoi cause I'm cultural and know it's Man-Sex and Z is for Zest because you want to have that in your Y, right Kristi?
And now you know your ABC's, don't tell Mommy you sang with me.