I was just informed by email that my most ancient website's guestbook had been signed. Out of sheer, morbid curiousity, I looked and discovered this:
"slots slots We can win gambling bonus gambling online gambling too many cards online gambling jackpots gambling online gambling player may use any black jack five-card combination roulette roulette blackjack round of betting occurs casino casino black jack and gambling at online casinos phentermine order phentermine online best site dedicated to the weight loss pill phentermine phentermine Consult a doctor incase you experience Phentermine phentermine cheap phentermine Human Services. Phentermine drug. phentermine phentermine Consult a doctor incase you experience Phentermine viagra viagra decision to buy phentermine from us an easy preposition viagra buy viagra decision to buy phentermine from us an easy preposition viagra viagra decision to buy phentermine from us an easy preposition"
I think they tried to spam me but it was lost in translation. Every few words was a link which I removed to preserve the innocence you may still possess.

"I've never been persuaded you had much of a soul. More like a little damp anchovy stuck between your breasts, trying to breathe. That's what you smell like anyway."

"They looked at her with baleful gloom, as if scraping carrots efficiently was their chief ambition in life."

"I looked at my watch and twenty or twenty five minutes had passed and I realized I had to get dressed..."

"He still had the preponderance, but her little bit of leverage was apparently stronger than she'd dared hope — stuck as she was between a rock and a hard man."

“Nikki asked me to buy her a drink, what should I get her?”
“I don’t know…how about a drink?”
“That’s just it, she told me to surprise her”
“Serve it to her naked.”

"Don't throw up," said exactly the last voice she wanted to hear. "There isn't any water for you to drink and you'll wreck my shoes."

"My, people come and go so quickly here"

"Why don't you haul off and love me?"

"How about this lovely shade of...purpla?"
"That's purple...and yet you had no trouble pronouncing pomegranate"
"It was my mother's name"

One-eyed Joe: So I says to him, I says, "That's no land gnome, that's my wife!" And that children is how I lost my eye.

"Love Means Never Having to Dust the Zucchinis"

"I, Cassie Lee Furr, do bequeath my diamond ring to Miss Croslan, but she'll have to get her own man"

"I, Don Todd, will my spiral sideburns to Jeanne Ellerbe"

"I, Catherine Buckwell, do leave my ability to get around to Betty McDonald with the warning that she'll have to hurry if she covers the ground that I did"

"I, Kitty Davidson, being of a sympathetic nature do will my sharpest bicuspid to 'Toothless' Thomas Templeton"

"I, L.B. Howell, leave my seat in the senior class to my cousin, Jean, in hopes tht in the next 20 or 30 years, she, too, will become a Senior"

"I, Marshall Haywood, leave my horn rimmed glasses to the student council, said glasses to be used in detecting dust while checking rooms"

"I, Morris McLaurin, do bequeath my love for music to Charles Richardson, in the hopes that some day he will learn to play his clarinet"

"I, Betty Brand, will my last bottle of peroxide to Penny Hudson. I may decide to throw in my hair too, for it's had about all the treatments it can stand"

The Caption Next to Betty Brand's Picture:
"Unexpected hair do's...which man now?...hep cat...likable...classy lassie"

"Among morbid options, if your choice is between dying alone in a house full of cats, or dying alone in a house full of moniter lizards, we suggest you choose the former."

"Did you heart my dress?"
"That's not where the blood was."

Lesmo: someday Sam
Lesmo: it'll happen to youuu
Lesmo: or you'll develop a dinosaur fetish..
Lesmo: kinda gross
Lesmo: CAN YOU JUST SHUT UP AND PUT ON THE DINOSAUR SUIT?
Lesmo: I CAN'T DO THIS WITHOUT THE DINOSAUR SUIT.

"BOOB HUG!"

"How would you pronounce a capital letter?"
"I hate it when the books I read are smarter than me"

"The snorts and giggles stop him cold for a second. He shoots me a look I'd like to frame and put on my wall."

"Crope and Tibbett, as if on cue, launched into some silly banter about their professional goals of being abducted by pirates of the desert and made to dance the fandango dressed only in slave shackles."

"Wow.."
"Did you say something?"
"That was...wow..."
"Is that a term for something?"
"Yeah, for damn good"

"You are the best woman to ever exist."
"...because i dont mind sperm?"
"Yes."

"Do you think he'd be a loud orgasmer?"
"Well...hm, how loudly does he sneeze?"
"REALLY loud"
"Well, I heard that sneezing is one-tenth of an orgasm so I suppose the noise you make then is about accurate"
"Ohh.."
"What does it say about me then if when I sneeze I fly backwards?"
"That I feel bad for anyone who has sex with you?"

Disclaimer: Verily, these characters are not mine. I make no money from this. I merely borrowed these characters for fun and then they started giving each other vindictive blowjobs. Who am I stand in their way?

"He paused by the door, turning to eye me suspiciously -- though that might be an unfair description, since he looked at everything suspiciously. He probably looked at his sock drawer with suspicion."

My Ironic Death is as follows:
I will be killed by a drunk driver while I am driving and I'm doing something my father doesn't approve of and if I hadn't been wearing my seatbelt I would've lived.
-I will be killed in a car accident because I prefer driving over flying, statistics be damned.
-It will be a drunk driver because I am always telling people not to drink.
-I will be driving because I always exaggerate how bad I am and say that I will get into accidents.
-My father is always telling me not to drive all around town or do this or that because I'll end up being killed. And he'll be right.
-I ALWAYS wear my seatbelt and tell others to do so.

In the sixteenth century, witch hunting hit its peak. A witch was considered anyone who entered into a pact with the devil and met with her fellow witches in the forest to have an orgy and eat babies. One of the main reasons witches were persecuted was misogyny. The fact that women had many and difficult orgasms spoke of their sexual insatialbility and inclination towards orgasms. Men also believed women to be weak and susceptible to the devil's thrall.

Witches were burned because of the mystery of the female orgasm.

"...I mean, if I can get him to smile or even laugh? Wow. I've always wanted to see what Hell looked like when it was frozen over."

"Damn all pheromones and women in red velvet. "

"It's called dating and not marriage for a reason. People in high school are way too serious. They're like, 'Why aren't you slitting your wrists over a dumb arguement?" and I'm like, "You're dumb." And then they kill themselves. But at least I've saved society."

Mike: you know what tomorrow is!?
Me: twin day?
Mike: no
Mike: well
Mike: maybe for your school
Mike: but

"I've decided I'm going to do something big...and no, it's not him...well, not yet anyway..."

"Arrr. My PC is pissing me off..."
"So, you made a pirate noise?"

"Why would anyone want a hat that says 'Bandildo?'"

"They made a raft out of dead bodies...and then it got weird"

ARTHUR: Hello.
MAN: 'Allo. Whoo is eet?
ARTHUR: I am King Arthur and these are the Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?
MAN: This is the castle of of my master, Guy de Loimbard.
ARTHUR: Please go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest, and if he will give us food and shelter for this night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
MAN: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see?
ARTHUR: What?
GALAHAD: He says they've already got one!
They are stunned.
ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?
MAN: Oh yes. It's very nice
+ CUT TO BATTLEMENTS. THE TAUNTER (MAN) turns to some others.
+MAN: + I told him we already got one.+
They all giggle.
ARTHUR: Well ... can we come up and have a look?
MAN: Of course not! You are English pigs.
ARTHUR: Well, what are you then?
MAN: I'm French. Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king.
GALAHAD: What are you doing in England?
MAN: Mind your own business.
ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail we shall storm your castle.
Murmurs of assent.
MAN: You don't frighten us, English pig-dog! Go and boil your bottoms, son of a silly person. I blow my nose on you, so-called Arthur-king, you and your silly English Kkkk-Nnnnig-Its.
He puts hands to his ears and blows a raspberry.
GALAHAD: What a strange person.
ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man!
MAN: I don't want to talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal, food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
MAN: No. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.

A Post-It Note I Saw On My Guidance Counselor's Desk:
"Emo Kid: Define"

"Thank you so much for helping him"
"Well, I guess I'm just a sucker for stray dogs and naked guys"

NOTE: This conversation is between two males.
"I don't feel like checking your list; do you have inmemory? Anything by them, rather?"
"yea,their first ep and their first lp, which is all that exists by them i think"
"Up it all, and I will have sex with you whenever you want. And I don't mean stupid lie-down boring bitch sex. I'll ride you like a fucking car."
"you have no idea how good that sounds"
"Seriously. You should write that down and look at it whenever you're sad. Because if that doesn't cheer you up, you need a lot of vodka. And in all liklihood, you'll all ready be full of vodka. So that's double happiness."
"i already printed it out and put it in my wallet"
"Damn right."
"alright the ep will probably be up in about 20 minutes and the album in 30-40"
"Thanks, my friend. Seriously, car sex. Not faggy volkswagon 5mph-over-a-speedbump queer strolling. Corvette ninja stomp off a cliff, motherfucker."
"it's cool, i have a cavalier"
"What color is it?"
"yellow, but it's like a dark yellow, manly, not like that gay pale yellow"
"What color's the interior?"
"black, and its got tinted windows for privacy"
"It'll be red after I'm done fiercly pillaging your asshole for upping me InMemory."
"hahaha"
"I'm in a good mood. Haha."
" so am i now"
"You're welcome honey bran cruch."
"thanks sugar tits"
"Tickle my sugarbowl."
"dont tempt me"
"Oh, I'm tempting you."
"Fuck"
"Tickle it, gigglenuts... I fucking love the music and the way his voice sounds. I've all ready masturbated twice to it. At the same time, too. I didn't even know that was possible."
"hahaha"

"I should be the one with your screenname"
LAME

"I didn't even feel my car hit the wall because my heart is broken.
And then I laughed"
DOUBLE LAME

"If I'm not with you, I come when you're naked"

"I'm in a mood."
"What mood is that?"
"The kind that involves me introducing you to my thigh."

"I'm naked for absolutely no reason."
"Meanness is the reason."
"Me being naked is mean to you? You're topless all the god damn time on the phone, or naked for some amount of time"
"And you're always sad."

"Yeah if I was being washed away and doomed, I wouldn't be thinking 'Oh my, it seems like a good day for some RAPE'"

"You know he's been waiting his whole life to take his shirt off in front of a class"

"* Warning: The Surgeon General has determined that if you fall in any of the following categories you read this play at your own risk: accountants, people who won't use trees, Volvo drivers, men who golf, topless dancers, wives of men who golf, Ford Bronco owners, psychologists, people with values, people without values, beer drinkers and users of Preparation H. "

"I could get you stickers"
"But how would you get them to me?"
"I would wait til you come down and stick them to you."
"Do I want to know where or do I want to wait and find out?"
"You will effectively be able to walk outside without a shirt. Hypothetically speaking."

What's better than winning three goldfish at the special olympics?
Not being retarded

Me: yeah, just wait til the sex talk in psych
Me: its just as immature as health as a freshman
Matt: Yes!
Me: the whores typically know less than the virgins
Me: mrs blackmon was appalled
Matt: Haha.
Matt: Well, virgins actually take the time to learn something.
Matt: .....that's why they're still virgins.
Me: haha
Me: quite
Matt: Learning's for virgins!!
Me: then why are all of our ap classes full of sluts?
Matt: I think the previous statement is explanation enough.
Me: perhaps

Sarah: qjerhrlaksjgh;akfjfgh;qdlkfjvn;pwdifjngv;kigjnw;kdjg ;djkfv nw;kjb vlkjkj hwijjg b
Sarah: you should know what I'm saying since that looks like russian
Sergey: oh cute. cute.
Sergey: *does a funny russian dance concluding with a middlefinger*

"Meth wearing off...Personality fading"

Open Lunch Hilarity:
"They have square hamburgers..."
"What's wrong with squares, circle-boy?"
"Damn you."
"Dude, you totally walked into that one"
"Yeah, I know..."

"Yeah, I'm Butch and she's Cassidy"
"Nononononononononononononono"

"I'd rather be a poptart than Matt's right testicle"

Sarah: hahahaha thats pretty funnny because everyone whos skipping will just go and eat lunch wherever they want to anyways
Me: exactly
Me: but this way they dont actually have to give us open lunch
Sarah: FUCK THE MAN

"I know it’s short. My muse is being stingy."

"It wasn’t so much the knowledge that he wasn’t what some would consider a handsome man. He didn’t dislike his looks, but he wasn’t proud of some of the choices he had made. This was what stopped all thoughts of any sort of relationship with decent woman, for he knew that once his past was exposed, no decent one would want him. If he were a woman, he wouldn’t want him."

“The bastard!”
“Actually, my parents were married.”

Me: its all very complicated and i dont have enough words
Me: OMEG
Me: you are too complicated for MY vocabulary
Ariane: hahahaha
Ariane: I rock
Me: asswhore

"YAY, IT'S MY ZEBRA!!!....Aw, man. Ariane's mom died..."

Me: hey
Stephen: Hello.
Me: long time
Stephen: No see.
Me: well i was thinking more no talk
Me: since, obviously no see
Stephen: Yes.
Stephen: Stop calling me when I'm not at my phone.
Stephen: Because I don't find the missed call until later, and I don't call people.
Me: well, ive been trying to get my stephen radar repaired
Me: but the shop i used to use closed
Me: so ive been looking
Me: but to no avail
Stephen: There's a shop for it?
Me: oh, yeah
Me: i used to hang out there sometimes
Me: Tim, the guy who owned it
Me: he was cool
Stephen: heh
Me: he used to tell me about his girlfriends
Me: i used to tell him he was gay
Me: we had a great relationship
Me: but now he lives in a nudist colony in alaska
Me: i told him the cold would have adverse affects
Me: but he didnt listen
Stephen: >_>

"My plastic surgeon says I can't engage in any activities where balls fly at my nose"
"Well, there goes your social life"

"I only have a brother on my mother's side"

"He stared at her for a long time, how she ate those blasted cookies, he wished he were a cookie...Well no, not really, he just wished he was touching her mouth..."

"You raped my fingernails!"

"Stop, Drop, and Roll Won't Work in Hell"

Me: "Suck on a penguin....Tasty"
Me: that could be your slogan
Travis: thats always my slogan
Travis: ever since I was 12

Me: that depends on your preference
Ariane: haha
Me: and how long it takes you to die
Ariane: I'll add that as a sidenote
Ariane: like
Me: like adding nuts to a dessert?
Ariane: yes!!
Ariane: some people would never
Ariane: some are allergic
Ariane: but some think it makes it that much better
Ariane: God, we're morbid


"How about a slow bleeding to death with toenail clippers?"

"I had successfully lured him to my Aviary of Doom..."
"Aviary of Doom? Really, Pengers, you can only be so corny"

"You killed Captain Clown...YOU KILLED CAPTAIN CLOWN!"

"You're going to melt just like a grilled cheese sandwich"

"In case you haven't noticed, I am rather large"

"The mask makes me feel cool"

Stare
"What?...Yes, I know it's a bratwurst in a bag, but that's not the point"

Silence
"Sorry, I was tending to my plants"
What a Keegan thing to say

"No, you shouldn't eat that candy"
"My aunt ate a one pound box of candy every day for her entire life, she lived to be one hundred and two and three days after she died she looked better than you look right now"