The Coy Mistress to Marvell

Had we but world enough and time
I could enjoy your wooing rhyme,
Relish each argument, and see
How you work out each simile.
But, Sir, your verse is full, I find,
Of loving of another kind;
Your vegetable loves have grown
To thrust your Mistress from her throne.
The Grass, you say, is lovelier far
Than damask cheeks and blushes are,
And Oranges you prize above
A more exacting sort of love.
Vainly your Mistress strives to please
A lover amorous of trees,
Who for his solace fain would go
Where Melon, Pear and Apple grow,
Where eager Peach and Nectarine
Throw themselves down among the green.
So pray, Sir, prate no more of love,
Seek for yourself a Citrus grove,
Pay your addresses to a tree,
And Lemon may your answer be.

-Mary Stewart

This is very old.

The Story of Samantha OR Why Mike Is Teh R0XX0R
Me: trig is the worst
Me: just fifteen problems
Me: and i really do almost cry
Mike: is it like geometry?
Me: and then i dont
Me: no
Me: its like
Me: geometry that sat in a dumpster
Me: then a pteradactyl came along
Me: and ate it
Me: then it vomited it on a atomic bomb testing site
Me: then some old man put it in a text book and spelled it wrong
Me: and then some other old man goes on and on about pi while being repulsive
Me: telling us all of the answers
Me: but never actually telling us what they are the answer to
Mike: CRAZEH
Mike: aaah
Me: run and cower
Me: the worst part is
Me: is that its honors
Mike: EW
Me: so it does the entire sequence again
Me: wearing a tacky outfit
Me: and broken platform shoes
Me: with flourescent lighting
Mike: hahaha
Mike: damn
Mike: i ill make sure to not take it next year
Me: and i have fifteen problems of it
Me: so i experience every second of pteradactyl digestion
Me: and i am blinded by the light
Me: and i cant escape it
Me: i cant take the maths that ariane gets away with
Me: because i
Me: in my infinite wisdom
Me: have decided to take ap calculus
Me: and so i must take honors trig
Mike: EHHH
Mike: NOT GOOd
Me: and honors precal
Me: and then the ever encroaching ap calc
Mike: SAM?
Mike: crazines!
Me: yes well
Me: im also in honors anatomy
Me: the craziest part
Me: is i want to be a lawyer
Mike: ::gonk::
Mike: lol
Me: yes well
Me: i have to be well rounded in high school
Me: to get into a good college
Me: then there i shirk math
Mike: :-P
Me: for social studies
Me: so i can get into a good law school
Me: so that i can quickly become a judge
Mike: cool
Me: so then my husband can run away with a young tahtitian
Mike: wow
Mike: you got your life planned
Me: and i can have all of my high society friends
Me: and they can comfort me
Me: then ill join one of those secret sex clubs
Mike: hahahaha
Me: because the courts have jaded my morals
Me: and my husband left me devastated and insecure
Me: and then i will end up getting shot by a screwed over lover of a man i sentenced
Me: but i wont die
Me: ill contract an infection in the hospital
Me: i will sue the county
Me: my friends who are judges will all have to recuse themselves
Mike: hahaha this is great
Mike: lol
Me: my case will be stuck inbetween until i end up so sick that i end up in a hospice
Me: then i will discover on one of my wheelchair rides
Me: that my exhusband contracted syphilis from beverly
Me: and that he is crazy, has a shriveled penis, and is dying
Mike: lmao
Me: and then he will beg my forgiveness inbetween asking for more red socks
Me: and i will pull the plug
Me: but as i lay dying i will discover i accidently pulled my own plug
Mike: haahaha
Me: and i will discover this is what happens when you try to kill someone
Me: then i will not die
Me: but i will find out i didnt actualy have an infection
Me: i just had a reaction to life support
Me: and i will regain my bench
Me: but then i will go crazy
Me: er
Mike: ha
Mike: ha
Mike: ha
Me: and burn down the courthouse
Mike: lovely
Me: and then i will be arrested
Me: and raped
Me: in the ear
Mike: aww!
Mike: oww
Me: by someone who was in arianes sex ed class
Me: and heard her ask about ear sex
Me: and then all my judge friends will not be my friends and have to recuse themselves
Me: but there will be some young man to take my place
Me: and he will pity me and my ever enlarging ear
Mike: heh
Mike: heh
Me: and so will sentence me to solitary confinement
Mike: aw
Me: where the guard bertha will fall in love with me
Me: and i will cry
Me: but then she will set me free
Me: and i dance
Me: and then i discover all of that was taped
Me: so bertha also goes to jail
Me: and i go to a mental home because i danced so oddly
Mike: poor bertha
Mike: hahaha
Mike: what kind of dance?
Me: the cucumber dance
Me: and then
Me: mars will be colonized
Mike: oh, does the cucumber dance turn cucumbers into pickles?
Me: and i will grab the first shuttle there
Me: to avoid the gate disaster
Me: no
Me: its just dancing
Mike: aww
Me: while you have a cucumber
Me: and are eating it
Mike: haha
Mike: are there aliens on mars?
Me: only the kind that are illegal immigrants
Me: i will then be killed in the crossfire of some shooting
Me: but i will be frozen by my exhusband
Me: who is still living
Me: with his swiss cheese brains
Me: and when they unfreeze me
Me: i will bleed to death because that was going to happen anyway
Me: and i will be buried
Me: and the tombstone shall read:
Me: "Samantha
Me: 1988-2789
Me: Whoa..."
Mike: NO
Mike: you cant be dead!
Mike: then i come and resurrect you from the grave with cucumber dance
Mike: and now your a half-zombie half-robot
Me: youre still alive in 2789?
Mike: YES
Mike: cause i put my brain in a machine
Mike: my body is in a ditch in the hillsborugh river
Mike: so you and me start to make a HUGE robo-army and invade eath
Mike: we go and rape all the court houses cause they caused you so much trouble
Me: but im the queen cause im also a zombie
Mike: and lasers flash EVERYwhere
Me: but in a more attractive than the hanging flesh kind
Mike: of course
Mike: then the pirates and ninjas are like
Mike: wtf
Mike: so they fight over the island of lesbos
Mike: cause they want lesbian sex
Mike: so the robots are like wtf
Mike: so they lauch nukes at pluto
Mike: and it dies
Mike: but the zombies are sad
Mike: so they rape the robots
Mike: anally
Mike: it hurts a lot
Me: does a robot have an anus?
Mike: no
Mike: thats why it hurts a lot
Me: ah
Mike: so the pirateas and ninjas are like "we hafta save our robo friends"
Mike: so they bring back to life all the dinosuars
Mike: with a magic remote
Mike: and the t-rex eats all the zombies
Mike: but the t-rez dies from zombie poison
Mike: and the robos have to go to mental facilities to get over the anal rapage
Mike: so Bob the ninja goes to eat at a diner
Mike: and the waiter drops a spoon
Mike: and the ninja flips out and kills everyone in the city
Mike: so the pirates are like "ARGGGH"
Mike: and bob is like
Mike: shit
Mike: so he pisses his pants and suffocates himself in milk
Mike: the normal- ninja suicide
Me: and we continue to rule the worlds
Mike: yes with an iron foot
Mike: until california decides to break away from america
Mike: to go hang with hawaii
Mike: alaska can come too
Mike: and its one big trio of crazy, annoyed american states
Me: thus ended the saga of samantha and mike, crazy robot tyrants
Mike: yes indeed