"That first part, where he's with his aunt and then when he's with that fat guy...well, whoever, that fat guy, and then he gets on the train and walks through the walls...well, I thought it was really good until then but when they got to...whatever, that academy thing, that's when it all started to break down"
-My father, on the first Harry Potter movie

"A strange thing. As soon as I drink tea, someone invisible tugs at my arm telling me to write to you...Why would this be? If only this desire appeared during coffee, then at least it would be understandable. In my memory you are glued to coffee: you poured it yourself and put sugar in it for me; but during tea you performed no service. Why is this?"

"Have you ever tried dancing a trepak all over the room in nothing but your nightshirt when you get up from bed?"

"Oh, no! I picked the wrong shade of dusty green!"

"Papers should be NO MORE THAN FOUR pages. I will read a fifth page only if I am about to weep from the sublime beauty of your prose."

"Strong similarities among papers will be taken as evidence of plagarism rather than telepathy. Spelling matters. Grammar matters. Coherent sentences are nice. Paragraphs that follow their topic sentences make me smile."

"Four sum raisin, ewe Kant all weighs ray lie on a spell chequer."

"Physics is like sex. Sure, it may give some practical results, but that's not why we do it."

"Let's go kill some racists with our nipples!"

"I will have children with you solely so I can kill those children"

"I swear, Officer, they're not mine, I stole them from my friend"

"And I'd just like to say something to all of those who went before:
Thank you for being poisoned by the random plants you found so that one day we would all know what not to eat"

"The Hayashi sect could even understand Christianity, but interest rates were just beyond their scope"

"Do not try to force paper into the All-in-One because it will try to eat your first born child"

"Beef-Bam thinks I'm deep"

"Another word for like...power hungry?"
"You're asking the Chem major?"
"It's like greedy...Ambitious!"
"...I don't know if that's quite right. I don't know the context you're using it in"
"Don't worry about it. It's like when you ask me about Physics"

"I think I may have come to the wrong house. Can I get a hug?"
- Would-be Robber

"I mean, immortal maybe, but nobody's that immortal"

"Wow, Helen of Troy, you really hafta be a babe to play her"
"We're only requiring that she launch a hundred ships"

"Is it wrong to laugh at a blind person if they step in animal waste?"

"So I took the shotgun off the wall and fired two warning shots....into his head"

"That was actually a prayer. It wasn't answered"

"Pretty tough words for somebody who's as easy to catch as a case of the clap"

"I'm going to start charging you money for being vague"

"It makes me happy when it looks like my toothbrush is making out with yours"

"I find it ironic that a man hater is responsible for such a complete murder of feminism; saying that a woman has no control over her choices when she's drunk, but a man does not only changes a good stereotype, it says that men are stronger and better than women. Plus, I feel that her existence in any position of power just set women back twenty years at least"

"You really can't rape a man"
"Bro rape!"

"I effing love Loop Guru"
"I know"
"I need them!"
"You could put them with the babies"

"I've been in this room for three hours now...kill me"
"I just might...with my arsenic/mint"

"Is it Kurt yet?"

"Yeah, stoners are the only people more boring than Christians. And they both try to convert you!"

"Now I'm constantly thinking about my vagina"

"Oh no, the word vagina does not go on my Facebook"

"Why would I need to hire a FAME kid as a baby sitter?"
"For all of your children of course"
"You mean the ones I've stolen? That is a good point, there are so many"

"In the United States, the Mansion of Bliss game never really took off, despite the fact that "the mansion of bliss" was also used as an admiring term for a woman's breasts"

“Obviously you will be having the filter installed between your brain and your mouth next week"

"Look at that woman"
"Is she dusting the fake trees?....They are fake, right?"
"I assume/hope so...she's more attacking it than dusting it"
"Is she pruning the fake trees?!"
"That is definitely what it looks like"
"Does she even work here?"
"Oh crazy plant lady...I love Emory"

"Dude, I laughed so hard I broke quiet hours"

"I don't just look at my penguin in the middle of the day"

"That's why little girls like rocking horses"
"That's not why I did! I liked it because it was a pony!"
"I'm sorry to break it to you, but no"
"My whole life is a lie!"

"I rode horses for eight years though! I'm so dirty!"
"Well, that's not why you did it, it was just like enjoyment on the side"
"What if it was though? My whole life is a lie!"

David: samantha, can i tell you a secret?
David: i think i have a crush on someone
Me: who?
Me: the spoke?
David: well besides the spoke
David: 'AROLD!!!
David: just flying's so sexy.....and those passenger seats just turn me on like nothing else
David: AND WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Me: well you see
Me: when you were a small child
Me: this flying sheep came to you in your dreams
Me: and ever since that magical night
Me: you havent been able to get it out of your mind
Me: you need the sheep
Me: you
Me: need
Me: 'arold
David: lol, i already admitted i'm gay.....
David: is the next step to admit i'm sexually attracted to flying sheep too?
Me: well, i believe thats what the baptists have been saying

"Well, I'm Catholic, so the only condom I need is the one for my ipod"

"A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engine ered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises."
-It could happen to you.

" I enjoyed your article in today's paper about preparing matzo balls. It reminds me of my poor attempt at humor with some of my goyishe friends. One was a sympathizer of PETA and I had fun jerking his chain a little bit.
I asked him if he had heard of GETM, or Goyim for the Ethical Treatment of Matzos. He had not, since I just made it up. I explained that there were Matzo breeding farms and that just before Passover most of the male matzos were rounded up and then the shocet performed the ritual slaughter and removed the batezem, or testicles from each matzo. The remainder of each male matzo carcass was sent to Chinese restaurants and it was considered treif, even if the Chinese cooks called it beef in their various dishes. I explained that the mama matzos (or mamzers) were spared and bred again.
I explained the laws of ritual slaughter, or shechitah, to him and explained that it was done in the least painful way possible, but that the members of GETM were trying to find the locations of these matzo breeding farms and free the matzos.
I told him he should get some bumper stickers made up for his group with the legend: FREE THE MATZOS. I had him going until he confronted a person who told him where matzos really came from."

"I wanted to learn how to fly an aeroplane"
"OH an aeroplane. Well, we are grand, aren't we? 'No, no, no more buttered scones for me, waiter, I'm off to play the grand piano. Pardon me while I fly my aeroplane'"

"There are no "okay" alligator wrestlers"

"Man, that's a great idea, I need to start covering my breasts when I talk, too. Maybe people will listen then!"

"I don't think I'm cut out for the whole bright and sunny thing but I'm glad you're in my bathtub"

"I want to take a nap"
"Well, that's a shame since you can't. For you see, you have not yet seceded from the Union"

"Oh no, it's the penultimate pornpocalypse"

"I'm almost fifty years old and I've never before seen a man take his guitar to the bathroom with him"

"I could actually hear you smile"

"At least we'll know where the hotel is tomorrow"
"We say that every time and we never fucking find it"

"Who is so stressed out at Disney World that they need to get high?"

Cook should never wax his floors.

"You have to understand that the New England colonies were never that important to England. In some ways, Newfoundland was more important. Newfoundland, for example, produced cod which is useful; New England only produced Puritans which are assholes"

"You could stab me in the face and do you honestly think I'd stop loving you for it as i died? I'd be cliche enough to quote a lyric here, but that'd be silly"

"He's a lawn golem. That pointed hat was like prison garb. He shivved the Guatemalan groundskeeper, ditched his pointed hat in an alleyway, and mugged a cartoon hobo for his clothes"

"I got shot in the Rhonda!"

"When you look at the word Catholic it just looks like you're addicted to cats"
"That's actually where it comes from...slash it means open or universal....but mostly it's the cat thing"

"Damn it!...I had syphillis, but then I lost it"

"What-the-fuck-Kassie?!"

Points a gun
"Gimme all your cosmetics and your singles"
"Ooooo! Are we going to a strip club?"

"Tiddly-winks are like a cold window on my arm"

"We: The only time "I is" is acceptable in a sentence"

"Ugly people shouldn't be allowed to smile that much"

"Your cutest face is your bewildered face...you look like a cute little hamster that I just want to step on"
"You want to step on me?!.....Hell, you want to step on hamsters?!?"

"You guys could teach a course on how to defend yourself if a man falls out of the ceiling of your shower on you"

"The alliteration in this book is really anti-feminist"

A balding Librarian saying, "Or do you want to just do it?" followed by, "You know you want to" is one of the more distressing experiences of my day.

"P.S. Note that it is excusable for a seven year old to use Hello Kitty stickers"

"I would just be retarded. And I can't be retarded in chemistry"

"Clitherow herself had performed this equivalence in a practice which she (and Mush after her) termed 'her pilgrimage'."

"C'mon, Vinnie, you know you want a hunk of meat"

"Those are the things that I eat
You forgot the souls"

"I found a fetus in the toilet"

"Oh, Roly, you're always hungry..."

"Anyways, he should totally cum...I mean....come to our next party"

"No institution that regularly appoints its officials for other reasons than their real fitness for the job can do anything but decline"

"All right, one thousand, but she'd better fuck him like Helen of Troy with her ass on fire, or I'll know about it"

"How was he then?"
"Like bull"

"That's just the way things are when you're stupid"

"I wish my pussy could break someone's nose"

"How does it feel to have someone throw up on your soul?"

"I'm a person activist"

"And malaria's like 'RAWR'"

"What was that woman talking to you about?"
"She was telling me how to use the masturbation pony"

"Since when is there a 'y' in panda?"

"I wondered if there was something wrong with me because it was real easy for me to lie, even to a pack of religious people on Sunday morning"

"Sarah mentioned that you were burning the midnight oil down there and tearing through the courses like Coach Gordon in a buffet line. Be careful and dont burn out; many great things are expected of you (Goal #1 Rule the World, Goal #2 Give Coach Betts a better job.....)"

"I thought that baby was cotton candy...I was like 'Where did that man get such a big thing of cotton candy?...Oh, it's his baby'..."