"I don't think you can really call it two birds with one stone if you're using one of the birds as a stone"

"It's just dumb noobs trying to be Japanese like that ugly dumpster child Naruto"

"Dumbledore dies on page 596. I just saved you four hours and 30 dollars. At least I didn't tell you Snape kills him."

"I'm hungry so I'm gonna go get some food"
"Way to follow your biological urges"
"Well, you said PETA and I got hungry"

"You will be screwed and I mean that literally. You'll be dead"
"I guess I've been doing it wrong..."

"So the definition of insanity is in fact computer"

"If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead yet?"

"It says 'What makes foolish man think I speak Chinese?'"
"I thought you were half Chinese"
"And I think your ancestors were Swedish. Let's hear some Swedish"

"I added flips to my interests"
"Oh no"

"I love you so much"
"Is that because I kill people?"

"She flung her suitcase like you fling your butt"

"I've already been there, I'm not going to squeal...well, maybe once"
"How many times have you seen dogs?"

"I didn't sleep much...So I was hitting keys at what looked like random and then I fell over...Like a whale"

Me: i think i shall fall over now
Me: yes i was right
David: i didn't see it, therefore, it didn't happen
David: .........worst thing to ever be uttered by a historian

"Psychorrhagia, which, not listed as a medical emergency, but sounding like it should be, is the detachment of the soul from the psychic element - the prognosis is presumably grave"

"Any word born of the head, genitals and emotion is bound to have something to say about insanity"

"Her taste in partners is abominable"
"Well, it's a good thing she never dated me because then I'd be a snowman"

"You’ll be as lame as a three-hundred year old horse and then I’ll have to shoot you”

"As it drew level, its driver, leaning out of his cab, yelled something at my companion and sent a black-eyed saluation to me that somehow, without a word being intelligible, made me understand that, though incompetent, I was female and therefore delightful, and that was just how it should be"

"Feeling patriotic today. Thinking about killing a beaver or something"
Happy Canada Day

"She’d never liked the Brontes, had always considered them a bit silly, and that the whole business could have been sorted out in four chapters if only people had talked a bit more rather than wandering around looking rumpled and tortured"

"I don't have any shoes"
"Well, there are lots of shoes in London. You should buy some. I have three pairs, you can have some"

"You asked a unicorn for help"
"Indeed I did"

"What was that?"
"Oh, nothing, I'm just having some Cockfosters"

"I have no doubt in the world of his being a lunatic: for I had filled up the necessary certificates ten days previous to this"

"I rarely find motive in bird vomit"

"Black girls make the best cheese"

"Oh, goodness, no. He is a surly bastard if ever there was one, though he does make a good banana daiquiri."
"You're kidding!"
"Of course I am, dear. There's no such thing as a good banana daiquiri."

"Somebody just gnawed on this arm like some kind of man-corn?"

"He reminded me that Rock Band is like rooting for the Dodgers...It's not about winning, it's about playing the game"

"I spent the next one hundred and twenty seconds using every swear word I know"

"Was that rhetorical?"
"No, it only seems that way because you can't think of an answer"

"That's like the same eyebrow that Alan Rickman raised when he saw Hugh Grant wearing the crocodile on his head"

"I'm Catholic, I can't spread a Wise Man on a Ritz cracker"

"I opened my mouth and all I saw were your teeth"

"Oh yeah? You and what army?"
"Never ask that question, Speedy"

"Few things are more satisfying than steel wool, but I can tell you that kissing you is one of them"

"There are now three rules: Don't die, something to do with armpits, and no nom nom nom-ing of kittens"
"'Something to do with armpits', I don't think that's one you should write on the stone tablet"

"There are often babies"

"I spent four hours screwing the floor today"

"You may as well ask penguins to ponder nuclear physics"

"Ew, I don't want them having sex on my finger!"

"Did something happen at the Emmys?"
"Yeah, I lost"
"Did you...did you flip off the winners of Extreme Home Makeover and tell them to 'suck your dick'?"

"Don't you think that Ann Coulter is like the naughty poster girl of all those old conservative dudes? Like when Rumsfield's beating off he's like 'Yeahh suck it, Ann' And you know Cheney's like 'Yeah, teabag that shit Ann'"

"In case you didn't know the ? implies threesome"

"I'd give you a hug, but I have no pants on!"

"If my deepest, darkest despair had choreography, THIS would be it."

"They're all like, 'NO PRE-MARITAL HAND-HOLDING!'"

"You Trollop!"
"...of daisy."
"Thats Dollop!!"

"I don't give a damn if the bitch look like flava-flav"

"I was just sitting there and out of nowhere my vagina fell asleep, it was so weird. Wait is that normal?"

“Can you explain the phenomenon of using public restrooms as a meeting place for sex?"
"Sure, but first of all, let’s make clear that this isn’t gay sex, ok; this is sex between men who want to have sex with other men.”

"Wait, England and Scotland, those are cities, right?"

"Wasn't my shirt tucked in?"