"Carroll's photographs of Alice have made his reputation as a photographer at the same time as they have popularly unmade the Revd Charles Dodgson's reputation as a 'respectable mature adult'"

"By the way, we're naming a child Burl Ives because it is undoubtedly the best name ever"
"You are going to be pregnant for the entirety of your middle age if you don't stop coming up with baby names"

"The growing cohesiveness of the elite during the Exclusion crisis contributed somewhat to the-?"
"Extreme vagueness of this paper?"

"You get used to it. It's like riding a bicycle. Well, it's more like someone riding a bicycle into your ass"

"'RAWR'...That's 'I love you' in dinosaur"

"The word for turkey in Brazil is Peru"

"OW, you have really big hands!"
"You've seen my penis"

"Did you seriously just rip out my soul and go 'Ha ha!'?"

"Well, I was trying to write 'Fuck, I miss him' but it came out 'Miss, I fuck him'"

"Paula Deen has a recipe for a cake that is called the "Is it really better than sex cake"
"Yeah, maybe it's better than sex with Paula Deen, but I don't think it's better than sex"

"Results for 'hot cake' may contain adult-oriented content. Your SafeSearch filter must be turned off to display these results"

"I totally reverse cowgirled a Scottish lion"

"Let's touch base"
"No. Fuck you"

"It's true, your logic is not linear"
"I think it's Russian"

"R comes before H, H comes before H dot"

"I'm going to Scotland in a few weeks"
"Didn't know you were into dudes in skirts"
"Well, you know, easy access"

"In his discussion of religion and patronage, even the footnotes are filled with tables and he brings in so many examples of different families that the reader can become quite distracted from the central argument. It is good to be thorough, and his research can certainly help future generations of eighteenth-century historians, but he has put so much candy in the bag that either the bag is going to break or the child is going to get diabetes."
-I should not write a paper ever again while thinking of Halloween candy.

"That there is Inequality in the Sexes, and that for the better economy of the World, the Men, who were to be the Law-givers, had the larger share of Reason bestowed upon them, by which means your Sex is the better prepared for the Compliance that is necessary for the better Performance of those Duties which seem to be most properly assign'd to it....[Nature] hath made you such large Amends by other Advantages, for the seeming Injustice of the first Distribution, that the Right of Complaining is come over to our Sex. You have it in your power not only to free yourselves but to subdue your Masters and without Violence throw both their Natural and Legal Authority at your feet."
-George Savile, Marquis of Halifax, "The lady's new year's gift; or, advice to a daughter" c. 1724

"If it's in perfect condition, happy days. If not, have a moan at the customer care department. And don't forget to quote the code on the pot so we know who to send back to noodle school"

"Store in a cool, dry place
(hint: try the cupboard)"

"King Hagan listens contently to your words of wisdom...
"It's a sad day when you can no longer trust friends is like the greed of a family of asparagus Angelpuss," you state thoughtfully.
He ponders all that you have said.
Wow! King Hagan is very impressed."

"Given the choice, I would rather not be a hermaphroditic goat"

"Now that the joyful event was only an hour away, she did have butterflies, or rather, half-starved velociraptors, spiraling around her stomach"

"Compasses point north because of a giant deposit of magnetic iron in Canada"

"Scientists drilled a whole all the way to the center of the earth, ran a microphone down there and heard people screaming, so that means hell is real"

"The Spanish Armada was a single massive ship"

"Babe Ruth was an important figure in baseball because he was the first Negro player"

"A networking teacher told her class that the internet didn't work at night. Yeah, they shut it down at night"

"Our headmaster told our whole assembly that we should have the moral courage to say no to drugs. Cue a double page spread of him doing cocaine off hookers' backs in the Daily Mail"

"Am I hot?"
"I tried to type something, but just got hard instead"

"Gamers across the world rose up in protest, and then sat immediately back down, panting heavily"

"Silly rabbit, tricks are for prostitutes"

"You were once shoved headfirst through someone's vagina. Why are you acting so dignified?"

"I mean, how do you do a clean version of Lysistrata? That would suck ass. I mean, what could it be?
Lysistrata: Stop the war
Athenian: No
Lysistrata: Ok, we're not making you any more sandwiches
Athenian: Oh no, no more sandwiches, but we're addicted
Lysistrata: Tough
Three weeks later
Athenian: WOE IS ME!!!!!! I can't stand not having any more sandwiches! Spartans, make peace!
Spartan: Agreed, that Lysistrata got our women to go on a no sandwich strike too. Let's make peace
There was much rejoicing and sandwiches after peace was made"

"Could there be any doubt that the Jews would seek to harm the Son of God again, knowing that his body was now readily accessible in the form of defenseless crackers?"
-Sam Harris, The End of Faith: Religion, Terror, and the Future of Reason

"God has a special providence for fools, drunks, and the United States of America."
-Otto von Bismarck

"I'd date myself with boobs"

"A Bavarian is halfway between an Austrian and a human being."

"The very existence of the flamethrower proves that at some point, someone, somewhere thought, 'I want to light those people over there on fire, but I'm not quite close enough to get to job done"

"How strange; she and I are both acting as if this is little more than a polite social visit. Please ma'am, ignore my army. I take it everywhere"
-Enchanter, by Sara Douglass

"I was doing sumersaults with her in the air and now I'm pantsless."

"See, it's not really repression, it's a carnival"

"Man, that is colder than a penguin's third nipple"

"Don't lose too many of your marbles this weekend or else Matthew will have to mail them to you"

"I'm sorry"
"For what?"
"The hurricane"
"Well, I wasn't really blaming that on you"

"Perhaps the truth will be known before then"
"Why should it be?"
"He may find it out"
"That old mountebank? He won't find out anything. He's all talk and moustaches"

"I thought he said his new car doesn't have brakes"
"That's never really mattered with Sergey"

"Prithee, milord, but I must fain squat in yon bushes, else I will dampen thy attractive knee"

“You can’t be a successful Dictator and design women’s underclothing. One or the other. Not both.”

"I haven't seen you in so long, but I've seriously been expecting you to just pop out of a tree or slither out from under my bed in the near future... Agh, you already know I miss you an obnoxiously large amount!I need your address(es), so I can send you stale crumpets that you can use in England :) Yes."

"Naptime!"
"Silly, but it's not a nap if we're sleeping"

"Pishposh"
"Caramel corn"

"I have now been intimate with a cockatoo. Something else to cross off my list"

"Beautiful girl in a beautiful dress carrying ground beef...what more could a man ask for?"

"Honey, can you do me a favor?"
"Is it make your shoulder heavy? Cause I can do that"

"If you don't lost your virginity to a happy pink kitty cock I will be very disappointed in you"

"Duties: I escalate account discrepancies that I am not able to fix"

"Reason for Leaving: The plane crashed in the Everglades and we got shut down"

"Is anyone missing a tampon? It's size....blue..."

"You cannot live on a diet of just sperm and rice cakes"

"And that's why you should never lie"
"One day someone might find your naked pregnancy pictures?"

"There's also some fucked up northern european law practices......like clearly the just party will win in a duel"
"I know ive won every duel I've ever had and thus am always right...God lets hope not..."
"Yeah, cause I need someone fun to keep me company in hell and we all know those popes won't be as fun as you"

"I thought you were playing battleship, but it was just your laptop"

"The city of cats and the city of men exist one inside the other, but they are not the same city"

"Marcovaldo realized he had finally reached the heart of the cats' realm, their secret island. And, in his emotion, he almost forgot his fish"

"I'm dead. I died when you started telling me about this. And yet you continue to talk as if I can hear you."
"I think thats what happened to the old woman. I plan on reading this book to any children I may have when im older"
"So you can kill them young and sell their supple flesh to the Irish?"
"Remind me not to breed with you"
"Because I might kill our children in vengence against you and turn a profit by selling their supple flesh to the wide Irish markets?"
"Because you are capable of having ideas that are both completely moronic and yet also prove that you are educated"
"That is a rare talent I am proud to possess."

"Sorry, we were hanging out in the asteroid belt"

"They'd all already seen my ass, I didn't figure it mattered what I said after that"

Note on the Clifton fridge:
"Whoever ate my yogurt is the biggest fucking asshole ever"

"When I heard the Prisoner was taken, I went and examined him, and this he confess'd himself to me, My Wife and I quarrell'd on Wednesday and she going out I follow'd her, and by the Way seeing some Stones, I flung 'em at her; after which she went and lay down in the back House, upon which I followed her, she lay down, and I laid the Door upon her, and then sate upon her for some considerable Time; after this I laid her out, and covered her with Hay, and then left her."

"FYI, don't sit next to a window naked. It's cold"

"Today would be a good day for a backyard orgy"

"Third fold: Swan"

"Don't worry, baby, you don't have a cheerleader butt"

"BED NINJA"

"I have three rules...1 - Silence your phones, but texting is ok. 2 - No sleeping in class, but 5 minute naps are ok. 3 - No alcohol because it's not fair for you to be able to drink if I cannot"

"2050 is the time around when most of you will retire. Do you have plans? I have a plan...(takes out a pack of cigs) Three pack a day habit...yeah I'm not going to make it"

"I never could resist a bathroom cabinet"

"And I am of course female in this sentence"
-Uncle Garth

"Shut the fuck up, or I swear to fucking God I am going to rip out every single goddamned organ in your entire body by order of it's fucking functions and nail them to your fucking skull."

"When the Men met me, one of them ask'd me, what was a Clock? I said, I could not tell. You lye, damn you, says he. Don't damn me, says I. God damn it, says Headly, the Dog mutters, let's thump him. With that I took to my Heels, and they after me, and when I came near the Bason, Headly struck me with a Stick and fell'd me"

"And I wondered to myself how many people who play Hello Kitty online games simulaneously listen to 'Violent Pornography'"

"John Nuttall feared his daughters' visions proved bewitchment by Mary Ashworth and her son - a phobia Nuttall extended to Mary Ashworth's husband from whom he had once hidden behind a tree"

"She was already known as the witch of Withersedge"
"Why?"
"Oh she grew herbs or something"

"Shifty treacherous double dealing vile little bastard"

"I knew you'd know where Hooters is. That's not a lesbian joke"
"Well, I don't like chicken so it actually had to be"

"What is the difference between revolving and rotating?....Well, take for example the old guns that cowboys carry around"
"Revolvers"
"Right. Well, what should they more accurately be called? Rotators. The gun does not revolve around the cowboy"

"In the ninth century St.Anslem of Canterbury had argued that Adam and Eve's disobedience towards God had been transmitted to their descendants, and that God, according to justice, could not cease to be offended until compensation had been paid. Thus, man owed a debt of restitution to God which could not be paid because man had nothing to offer which was not God's. Only God could satisfy the debt, but since the satisfaction was owed by man, it could only be made by someone who was both God and man, and this was Christ, who redeemed the debt for men through his sacrafice, thus restoring them to favour"