"I have three rules...1 - Silence your phones, but texting is ok. 2 - No sleeping in class, but 5 minute naps are ok. 3 - No alcohol because it's not fair for you to be able to drink if I cannot"

"2050 is the time around when most of you will retire. Do you have plans? I have a plan...(takes out a pack of cigs) Three pack a day habit...yeah I'm not going to make it"

"I never could resist a bathroom cabinet"

"And I am of course female in this sentence"
-Uncle Garth

"Shut the fuck up, or I swear to fucking God I am going to rip out every single goddamned organ in your entire body by order of it's fucking functions and nail them to your fucking skull."

"When the Men met me, one of them ask'd me, what was a Clock? I said, I could not tell. You lye, damn you, says he. Don't damn me, says I. God damn it, says Headly, the Dog mutters, let's thump him. With that I took to my Heels, and they after me, and when I came near the Bason, Headly struck me with a Stick and fell'd me"

"And I wondered to myself how many people who play Hello Kitty online games simulaneously listen to 'Violent Pornography'"

"John Nuttall feared his daughters' visions proved bewitchment by Mary Ashworth and her son - a phobia Nuttall extended to Mary Ashworth's husband from whom he had once hidden behind a tree"