"Why would she want to talk about something that makes her act like a human hosepipe?"

"That's not what he said."
"Would you like us to clean out your ears with this?"
"Or any other part of your body, really we're not fussy about where we stick this"

Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Alabama?
Anywhere else and it would've been a teethbrush

"It says here in the arrest report that you approached two little girls and asked them to help you find your lost kitten. Where'd you ask them to look, in your pants?"

"Doing something I can't pronounce..."

"You gonna do something or just stand there and bleed?"

"Does this mean we aren't friends anymore? Why, Ed, if I thought you weren't my friend...I just don't think I could bear it"

"You're so drunk you can't shoot straight. In fact...you're probably seeing double..."
"I have two guns..one for the each of ya"

"Have you ever seen anything like that before?"
"Hell, I ain't never even heard of anything like that before..."

"Wyatt, do you believe in God?"
"Yeah...maybe...I don't know..."
"Well, what do you think happens when you die?"
"Something...Nothing...Hell, I don't know..."
"I was reading this book, on Spiritualism. It said that some people, when they die and go to heaven, they see a light, like in a tunnel..."
"Yeah? Well, what about hell...they got a sign there or what?"

-Tombstone is the best movie about the old west or Wyatt Earp ever made...

Trivial Things One Must Do So Your Life Is Complete:
A. You must see the dancing panda
B. You must play Fling the Cow
C. You must participate in a ketchup and mustard war
D. You must ride a donkey
E. You must see James Marsters with no shirt.
F. You must play Poke the Penguin
G. You must do the Cucumber Dance
H. You must play Orisinal Games
I. You must frolic in the snow
J. You must listen to "Octopus's Garden"
K. You must buy a Batman shirt
L. You must watch Buffy the Musical
M. You must see Cowboy Bebop the Movie
N. You must watch The Return of Ganondorf

What to do if a mad gunman comes into your room to kill you:
1:Stop.
2:Drop.
3:Roll.
This may not seem helpful at the time but it will destract the man enough so that you can either:
1:Kick him in the knees, OR
2:Kick him in the crotch.
This will give you the opportunity to jump out the window.
NOTE: Do not attempt this if not on the ground floor.

“I’ve given it a name. That fern, right there.” I announced, pointing to the plant again. “Its name is Fredrick. Please, it likes Fredrick, so call it that. Maybe it won’t die if you call it Fredrick.”

“Do you see him talking to that plant? Who does he think he is, the Horse Whisperer?”
“Plants have nothing to do with the Horse Whisperer. Hence the horse part, you idiot.”

"Who needs friends when you're hot?"

"What is that ridiculous appendage growing out of your head?"

"Is everyone here very stoned?"

"This is my picture of me stabbing James Van Der Beek. I like having that picture around because...well, he just needed to be stabbed..."

"Well, Aaron couldn't kick his own ass"

"When my hair gets in the way of me going to the bathroom, then I'll cut it"

"Killing for peace is like fucking for virginity"