"In fact Dorset had already incurred the anger and resentment of several councillors by issuing orders himself in the name of Edward V, signing them 'Brother Uterine to the King'"
"Why would you mention a uterus on a state document?"

"I am known for my ability to state the obvious"

"There's nothing worse than having dried cum on your chest the next day at work"

"Life is hard...and so am I"

"I laughed so hard, I was cured of cancer"

"There's no cheese in Michigan"

"It's sad when my friends and I get together now...it's like it takes a village to make a sentence...forget the babies, we can't even get the words right"

"That's one way to do it..."
"This way you don't see me naked"
"I've seen you naked"
"No, it was dark"
"I have eyes like a cat"

"...yet were a crucial part of the provider system for managing some species of mentally incompetent poor..."
I didn't realize there were different species of the human...species...

"Did he know Chase was there still?"
"Unless he has the short term memory of a gummy bear"

"I just had to translate 'We service 65532 bushes'"
"I love that"
"You love to service bushes?"
"Of course"
"Did the Holy Spirit tell you to service the bushes?"
"As long as they're not burning, then it's sacreligious"

"When's my birthday?"
"March 14"
"Congratulations, you just earned yourself a sexual favor"
"As if I need to answer trivia to get sexual favors"
"See, but you earned this one"

"I was the most popular kid on the playground because I was the only one that would say penis or vagina"

"There was this creepy old guy like half stalking me...and I swear he had scabies or something..."
"Wow, Scabies Man and Krabs...what a superhero team"

"What's in my pocket?"
"Is it Scabies Man?"

"Clearly a cat could not defeat Voldemort"

"Catholics are very loving...the Vatican is shaped like a hug!"

"Groining is quite the bonding activity"

"Do you know my middle name?"
"What does it start with?"
"M"
"REGINALD"
"Because that so starts with an 'm' now"
"It's a silent m..."
"Mreginald?"

"Can I sit on your bed?"
"Oh, do you want me to move off of yours?"
"No, it's cool, I never sit here"
"Yeah, people don't often conjugate on my bed"
"....conjugate, eh?"
"Congregate. I said congregate"

"But the evidence adduced so far is sparse, and judgement on the swinging Victorians must be suspended"

"What's the word for breaking something in by having sex on it?....Christened! It was christened that weekend"

"You're right; but just as fame wouldn't have come my way if I were from Seriphos, so I wouldn't come your way if you were from Athens"

"I want to live and I want to love and I want to catch something I might be ashamed of"

"I am Goldcrest! The one and only legendary COCK of the NORTH"

Whistle
"That sounded just like a canary!"
"I'm an only child"

"So is the fourth quarter the last one?....Oh...just kidding..."

"I notice a distinct lack of information on how your midterm went, but we'll let that pass for now"

"Ashlyn, you're such a shade! Shadar! Beep, beep, beep!"

"The centuries-old tradition in which people speaking in tongues had challenged the validity of Catholic doctrine was thus obstensibly set aside"
"Somebody missed that memo"

"Hey, did I say boulet on?"

"I don't like to see babies look creepy...I have babies..."

"Likewise, never pluck your eyebrows after a couple of glasses of wine"

"War is win or die; there is no moral high ground"
"In 1939, Poland had the moral high ground. Somehow, it made no difference to the Germans"

"I am so glad Wal-Mart is going to offer cheaper drugs. It would take drugs to make me shop there"

"Is it wrong to smoke a dead man's cigarette?"

"You three need to start a group called 'Sharon Drove Me All Over Tampa When I Was 12 And I Repaid Her With Gratuitous Use of the Words "LIKE TOTALLY" and "WHATEVER"'"
"Like totally"
"If I remember correctly, you were the one in the backseat waxing philosophic on Dostoevsky. Then Vanessa would counter with 'PPSSHHH! Now shut the hell up and quote my favorite lines from Proust.' Then Britney and I would run away with our Clifford books."

"Well, I don't like asbestos either, it gives me cancer"

"Ben Fisher could be your child, you don't even know"

My new favorite outfit:
A red shirt with a yellow star
Orange Chucks with blue laces
An American flag bandana tied around the forehead
Baggy, spandex snakeskin patterned pants

"I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence"

"There should be a law that says you can't fire a cannon at six in the morning in a residential area"

"Book it to the fucking roundabout"

"Move like an owl"

"How many SAs does it take to fix a stereo?"

"So we were going to bed and I'm just lying there and then I start hearing noises...like condom noises, like the snap and then some squishy noises...and then she starts moaning and there is no way he was that good...no wonder he likes her so much"

"You hear stuff about being sexiled but you never think it will happen to you"

New Scholarship: Texas Sheep and Goat Raiser's Auxiliary Letter Writing Contest

Now, I ask you...do I really seem to be eligible for this?

“Cow bridge!”

“I should walk you to your door, it’s like twelve thirty”
“What you think I’m going to get raped from like here to there?”
“Bro raped”

“…I really like women better than men; they are braver, one can be more frank with them.”
“Ah, yes, but you never have anything to do with them!”
“I? What am I doing but talking perfectly sincerely to a woman at this moment?”
“Yes, talking…”
“And what more could I do if you were a man, than talk perfectly sincerely to you?”
“Nothing perhaps. But a woman…”
“A woman wants you to like her and talk to her, and at the same time love her and desire her; and it seems to me the two things should be mutually exclusive.”
“But they shouldn’t be!”
“No doubt that water ought not to be as wet as it is; it overdoes it in wetness. But there it is! I like women and talk to them, and therefore don’t love them and desire them. The two things don’t happen at the same time in me.”
“I think they ought to.”
“All right. The fact that things ought to be something else than what they are, is not my department.”
“Do you like me?”
“Very much! And you see there’s no question of kissing between us, is there?”
“None at all! But oughtn’t there to be?”
“Why, in God’s name? I like Clifford, but what would you say if I went and kissed him?”
“But isn’t there a difference?”
“Where does it lie, as far as we’re concerned? We’re all intelligent human beings, and the male and female business is in abeyance. Just in abeyance.”

“If they be not nice to me
What care I how nice they be?”

“There speaks the lascivious Celt”
“Lascivious! Well, why not-? I can’t see I do a woman any more harm by sleeping with her than by dancing with her…or even talking to her about the weather. It’s just an interchange of sensations instead of ideas, so why not?”
“Be as promiscuous as the rabbits!”
“Why not? What’s wrong with rabbits?”

Old Man: I'm reading a really sad book
Woman: What book?
Old Man: The Kama Sutra
Woman: ...............
Old Man: It's sad for me...

"We're all going to die here, huddled up like morons, waiting for an evil sorceress to fry our brains."
"She isn't a sorceress, she's the moron and she's possessed by a sorceress."
"FINE. We're all going to die here, huddled up away from a moron, waiting for a possessed sorceress to fry our brains."
"Actually, sorceresses don't fry brains. Well, I suppose they could but they really don't like to. They like to just wave their hand and take your life."
"FINE. We're all going to die here, huddled up away from a moron, waiting for a possessed sorceress to steal our lives away. Any problems with that one?"
"No, that's just about correct."
"Yes, I'd say so."
"Oh, but wait, I'd say we're morons too or we'd have known she was possessed before things got this bad..."
"Oh...Damn you both..."

"Hell no, I'm not taking Mittens anywhere!"

"Why does everyone think I like him? I say, 'Wow, if I took him to homecoming, I know he won't try to rape me' And that translates to:'I LOFEEE HEEM END WUUD LEK TU FKNFKJCNOIK HEEM. EET WUUD B NEISDDCE...' I'll never understand that..."

"We haven't even seen each other in a year"
"That's not true, we see each other all the time"
"Only because you stalk me"
"I don't stalk you..I lurk.......but when I'm not there, you look for me!"
"How do you know?
"...Because I am there, lurking from a distance"

"I have to go get my puss-hole inspected"
"And sprayed? Disinfected? Make sure there are no bugs?"
"!!!!!!! You're so disgusting!"
"What, you're the one that said it like that in the first place"

My Graduation Present From My Sister:
"So I was driving home from school yesterday and my phone rang. My phone rings often so I had no reason to expect that anything out of the ordinary was going on. I looked at the screen, an 813 number. Odd, but once again, I suspected nothing. Naively, I answered.
'Hello'
'Elizabeth?' It seemed to be a man of some sort.
'Yea'
'Elizabeth Grow?'
'Uh-huh,' it was at this point that I started getting nervous. The voice was familiar but it couldn't be....
'Elizabeth, this is Julie Jones. Julie Jones from Robinson High School. You might remember me as Jules.' What? Jules?
No,' I said, hoping she would hang up.
'Think back Elizabeth. Class of '02. Soccer? I was the other captain. National Honor Society? Are you drunk?'
'I'm not drunk, I just took a big hit of crack though.'
'Crack-cocaine? Do you want to be a prostitute?'
'Is that an offer big daddy?' I waited for her to laugh, having briefly forgotten that she had been born without a sense of humor. 'No, I'm not fucked up and yes I remember you. Why are you calling me? And more importantly, where did you get my phone number?'
'Can't a friend call a friend, Elizabeth?'
'Yes, but why are you calling me.'
'Elizabeth, news of your shenanigans has traveled south to Tampa and I have been concerned for quite some time so I have taken the power back and decided to phone you to see if you need a supportive ear.'
'What? Power, shenanigans....what? Julie, excuse me, Jules, what the hell are you talking about?'
'Don't be coy Elizabeth. There is no need to be embarrassed. Pain shared is pain lessened.' I dared not point out her misuse of the word coy.
'Julie, I'm fine....in more ways than one if you know what I mean. He he.' No laughter, she was obviously unimpressed.
'Elizabeth, need I remind you that you are speaking to a multi-talented individual right now. I know that a person like you is easily intimidated by a person like me so for now just pretend that we are equals.'
'We can't possibly be equals Julie, you outweigh me by like 200 pounds at this point.'
'This is not the time for metaphors Elizabeth.' Oh Julie, still in denial.
'Alright, I'll humor you, what have you heard?'
'No, I'll humor you by telling you what you must already know. Drugs, sex and rock and roll. A failed marriage and an amputated arm. Are you happy with the way your life has turned out? I am bewildered. You could have had the world on a serving dish and now you'll be dead in less than a year.' All I really heard was 'bewildered' which I interpretted as 'bewilderbeest', so I laughed. On the other end of the phone I heard a long sigh.
'Then it is all true. Don't cry Elizabeth, just make the most of the time you have left.'
'What? Time left?'
'I know it has Elizabeth, it escapes us all.'
'No no no no. No. Wait, what? Don't answer. I'm not dying sir and if I had only one arm, how could I possibly drive, talk to you, and smoke a cigarette?'
'Oh, that's just grand. You are a smoker too. Well old friend, I understand your need for denial. I myself get sad from time to time. It's okay. I anticipated that this attempt would be fruitless but I have opened the door. If and when you ever find yourself willing to have an adult conversation, you have my number. Use it don't lose it.'
'...Okay,' was the only word that I could think of.
'Fare well Elizabeth. I mean that. Fare well over the rough seas of life. If you ever need a woman of strength, I am not more than a call away and I'll be there when you need a friend.'
'Alright, James Taylor.'
'Julie Jones.'
'Right...bye.'
'Fare..'
'Yea, you too', and I hung up. Well, last time I changed my number it was because a disgruntled dealer to whom I owed a large sum of money was harassing me. I figure that this is a much better reason."

"My mind was already engaged in an emotional merry-go-round, including annoying music"

"This is you in eight years"
"Damn. I HOPE SO. At least I'll keep my rugged good looks; that's all I was really worried about"
"I knew that. So I was showing you the future; giving you comfort in your doubt"

"Right now, I'm at the part where Margarita put on the cream, became 17 years younger, became a witch, and flew around Moscow naked on a broom stick. She just got joined by her friend who also put on the cream and flew naked on a hog"
"Now, that's a good book"

"The special olympics make me very upset"
"Retards shouldnt be let out of their cages; everyone knows that"
"Oh my...aren't there also paralyzed people? Or do they have their own olympics?"

"We all know how a weird guy with a beard smells in general. When you combine that smell with an unwashable costume, it becomes a whole new way to vanquish foes"

"I watch forensic files quite a bit and they never seem to find a patch of oil at a crime scene. It's always skeletons, rotten corpses and traces of blood. If our bones decayed like dinosaur bones it would make crime scenes a lot more happy. No more 'oh no, another dead hooker' it would be 'hooray, another three gallons of crude oil!'"

"Man, a music degree and a focus on bells, twice as worthless in the job market"

"I gotta be witchu"
"Who's witchu?"
"Wit u"
"Oh okay"

"I'm sure later that week the artist created characters based on every single item within ten yards of his desk"
"Beware the maddening menace of LORD STAPLER"
"The Electric Pencil Sharpener"
"Overdue Utility Bill Man"
"The Inhuman Bathroom Key"

"As someone who knows some Italian people I have to say I am really offended by the stereotypical portrayal of Italians as purple gorillas"
"I know quite a few Italians who just happen to be purple gorillas, but I'm offended that they portray Italian purple gorillas as menacing and violent. And homosexual"

"You kids and your red costumes and bug names. That's crazy talk. Back in my day we only had green costumes, and we were glad to have 'em. No fancy tricks or powers either, we just put on a green suit and then we shot people with revolvers like the way it is in the Bible."

"According to Black Condor's bio, he's a senator who was raised by condors in Mongolia, and he learned to fly by watching them. By watching condors, that is, not by watching other senators"
"Ah, well that makes sense, that's exactly how I learned to fuse atoms. I just stared at the sun for a couple weeks"
"I learned to photosynthesize by watching my lawn"
"I like how he was raised by condors yet he becomes a US Senator. I wish the real senate worked like that. I would like to see Joe Biden suddenly try to take Tom DeLay's eyes out with his razor sharp talons"

"Dude, Dave Thomas totally just drove by and leered at us...I thought you should know"

"Kissing is a mortal sin?"
"That's what the pamphlet says"

To clarify the following, I must explain the DYC view of sex:
Boys=Blue
Girls=Red
No one is allowed to make purple

"Purple is the new rape"

"So two girls and a boy are magenta...what would two boys and a girl be?"
"INDIGO"

"But see, he's already purple on his own, so if you have him and two girls you get uber magenta because of his extra red"

"We don't have balls, we have titanium clits. That is a direct quote from your mother. Remember that"
"Oh, I'm writing it down right now"
"I've been waiting for years to pass this on to you. It's your legacy"

"When do you become mostly naked?"
"In about 20 minutes, hopefully"
"When you come over here you mean?"

"This is actually the first religious shirt I've ever owned"
"Think about oral while you wear it"
.....
"Did you?"
"Yes"
"Good girl"

"When the picture wasn't finished loading I just saw Sergey and three girls and I was like snap Sergey's a pimp"

Harridan \HAIR-uh-din\, noun:
A worn-out strumpet; a vixenish woman; a hag.

"Codpiece is funny"
"A codpiece is what they wore in the sixteenth century, since men wore tights then"
"Haha.. silly primordial n00bs and their lack of denim jeans"

Matt: Told you told you told you told you told you.
Me: see i tried to hear your voice do that
Me: but you got tongue tied
Me: in my head

Dear Samantha:
Please write an essay
Describing your Prom night
Or I will shoot your hand off.
Thanks.
-Ariane

Dear Ariane
Mail me a letter about yours
And I'll show you mine
Cordially,
Samantha

Dear Samantha
Your phrasing worries me.
It makes me think perhaps I should not mail you at all.
But I am not very bright a person, and so I will anyway.
But now I must go and eat pasta.
With all apathy,
Ariane

Dear Ariane
One last thing
If you do decide to mail me
Be sure to punch air holes
See you in the funny papers,
Samantha

Dear Samantha
I am worried.
Extremely hungry,
Ariane

“His fascination for goats has nothing to do with being kind to animals.”

"Prom is saturday. I'd rather just go have sex with you"
"Sounds good to me"
"It would probably cost less to go down there"

There are nine ways to be an accessory to sin:
By Counsel
By Command
By Consent
By Provocation
By Praise or Flattery
By Concealment
By Sharing
By Silence
By Defending the Wrong Committed

"My brother talks
and DOES NOT STALK
*STOP"

"It is nearly impossible to have a serious conversation with an armadillo for a screenname"

"I graduate two months from Tuesday"
"Wow, tempus fuget"
"And it flies, too"

“Hey”
“Yes?”
“Are you a fag?”
“WHAT!?”
“Well, only fags say “ewww”
“Oh fuck off!”

"Nothin can make ya feel like a loser more than IMing in the shower while eating peanutbutter kisses"

"You can't throw a rock in Atlanta without hitting some grilled fish taco stand"

"I'm tired of all this sex on the television....I keep falling off"

"1. Sarah
A girl who is so perfect that even being near her makes one happier. A girl who's personality is so kind and caring that it makes Jesus look like a demon, and is loving and considerate of the other rather than herself. She forgives all and cannot hate, unless it's a really bad band. A person who makes the impossible possible. She also has a unique sense of everything, making herself an individual in both music and fashion, and though her music is not commonly appreciated by pop lovers, it's loved by her friends, who some way or another have gained from her friendship. In short, A mortal divinity. The most wonderful person in the world that one would be greatful even to look upon
-Courtesy of urbandictionary.com!"
Deciding to try this for myself, I searched for Samantha:
"Samantha is undefined"
I'm not sure which is a better description

"1. Ariane
A notably striking individual that exemplifies every essense of the words beauty and elegance. See hottie.
I am truely impressed by Ariane's free spirit and good hearted nature."
"You know David wrote that"
"I hope not"
"I would be completely not surprised"
"That's the sad part, neither would I"

"2. Keegan's Hole 3 thumbs upAn Irish boy for which a pub is named after. It's not his butt, I promise"

"Any minute now a squadron of pigs would do a fly-by."

"My armpits smell nice"

"She strode into the room with the air of confidence that only really fantastic underwear can lend"

Me: basically, my wall is a scrapbook
John: I used to do that with my computer.
John: Like, I had... 200 pictures of random shit?
Me: nifty
John: Yeah, then my mom saw one of them from Gasparilla. I took a picture of my friend Chris, and this girl wasn't facing us, but she was lifting her shirt up in the background.
Me: YES
John: My mom thought I was doing some Girls Gone Wild shit or something.
Me: hahahaha
Me: oh thats bad
John: I was like, "She wasn't even facing us. That's like girls gone the other way, but still wild."

"On a side note, I was scrolling down real fast and the Greek Muses quiz looked like it said, 'Good Gracious! Are you Moses?'"

"THINK BEFORE YOU FUCK"

"You've been in college two months and you're already pregnant?...You disappoint me..."

"You will take me Jewish?"

Error: You must be someone's friend to make comments about them.

"Ignorance of good and evil is the most upsetting fact of human life"

"Hunger I can endure, love I cannot"

"You can only protect your liberties in this world by protecting the other man's freedom. You can only be free if I am free"

"Death is not the greatest of evils; it is worse to want to die, and not be able to"

"I have to go steal socks from my brother"
"..."
"Well, how do you get socks?"

Ryan: OMGSAMHAHACANADAISAWSOMEWOO
Me: it really is
Ryan: IFEELBADBECAUSEIFORGOTWHATTODAYWAS
Ryan: TODAYISALLCAPSNOSPACESORPUNCTUATIONDAY
Me: OHMYGOODNESSFERSERIOUSIHADNOCLUE
Me: IWISHIDDRESSEDFORTHEOCCASION
Ryan:HAHAMETOOBUTYOUDONTNEEDTODRESSTHATSTHEBESTPARTITSALLTYPINGHAHAWOOEXCLIMATIONPOINT
Me: THATISGREATIWASWORRIEDIWOULDNTBEGOODENOUGHFORSUCHAHOLIDAY
Ryan:ITSBETTERTHENCHRISTMASCAUSEITSLIKEONCEAWEEK
Me: OHWOWYOUARESORIGHTITISTHEAWESOMENESS
Ryan: HAHAWOO
Ryan: ok im done
Me: yeah it was actually more difficult not to space
Ryan: yeah
Ryan: and i use too ma,ny commas, to not punctua,te

"t 8:44 exactly today I got 7 messages
Titled...
1. Iam Intrested
2. Hey Hottie!
3. Iam Intrested
4. Hey Sexy
5. Hey baby
6. Yummy!!!
7. Hey baby
I wonder if they are related, or maybe everyone just realized I'm awsome all at once. They were from 7 different people. I was sitting here having a conversation then BAM 7 all at once!"
"Well, you are sexy. Seven people were bound to notice. At once."

"Internet porn is like a mousetrap"

"Your eyes are really dark"
"They are?...Gah, I just tried to look at them"

"Hey, look it's Hannya!"

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
-116

"March 3rd has been CANCELLED due to lack of interest... again. Your regularly scheduled news will resume tomorrow when we're sure interest will return. Until then, Happy March 3rd!"

"I was sick and then they took my blood; there was like a pint of samantha just sitting on this table"
"I want a pint of samantha, but then the rest, too"

"Please keep the length of the entries to between 30 and 60 seconds otherwise you will be slapped with a trout"

"I'm content with procrastination."
"I was until i was like 'Oh, no, I dont want to think I'm having senioritis' It was too cliche."
"It is very cliche, but I have dibs on it, because I've been like this in school since 4th grade. It's my lifestyle."
-I love my Tricia-face!

"That makes no sense. Why would two hundred people come into our house to do nothing but urinate, kill the dog, and make a hole in the roof?"

"That's like the pot calling the kettle gay; what a useless insult"

"Kay?
Err kay!
I hate punctuation sometimes"

"That's the great thing about crayons, they can take you more places than starships"

"I can see myself as a Supreme Court Justice one day, sitting there writing the decision of the court that will go in some silly Lanahan Reader one day and saying, 'Guard plus Manatee...Guarantee'"

"So, it's just the log for me"

"I like mammals...mmmm, fur"

"What if I was there right now?"
"You'd be here next to me. Close enough to feel my lips on your ear as I whisper those three, gentle words."
"I am bleeding!"
Long Pause
"No, really, I'm bleeding!"

"Do you have a uniform?"
"Not yet."
"But you will?"
"Ya."
"That's so cute, and you'll have an apron!"
"..I'll never touch you again."
"Yeah, right, you can't resist me."
"Lies."
"Oh wow, I'm going to be dying over you in a cute little uniform all day."
"..."
"Not that kind of dying; more the 'aw, your middle name is Patrick' dying"
"I hate you"
"That's so cute, you hate me"

"Quit bein' taller than me."

"There is nothing so pure and cruel as a child"

"Open foot, insert mouth"

"Plus, she made me a sandwich today, for the first time."
"That took me a minute. I was like 'Ah, the thrills of misogyny...?' but then I remembered she works at Subway"

"There's a certain intimacy that can only be achieved through face to crotch contact"

"Feelings of general happiness and the why that comes with it"

"He wants to know why I want the picture of his penis"
"Tell him your Justin Timberlake poster just isn't doing it for you anymore"

"That could be a new personality quiz. The pokemon you pick reveals your character."

"I got one girl to use a hockey stick. I honestly can't explain that one."

"You only like me for my pickled onions."

Ryan: the FX-55/57 just has the hypertransport, but not duel core
Ignacio R.: RIght
Ignacio R.: I know that

"I mean, nobody likes to get hit with break-up lines, but I can just see her one day coming to him and saying 'I'm sorry, this just isn't going to work. Your head is too big.'"

"This girl looks EXACTLY like the Japanese version of Velma from Scooby-Doo. EXACTLY. And I can't stress that enough. Case in point - one day I was walking with a friend, when I saw Velma in a store. 'Hey, it's Velma!' I mistakenly said to myself. My friend had never seen this girl before or heard the nickname I'd given her, so he turned to me and said 'Velma? Like Scooby-Doo? Who are you calling....(looks up)....HOLY SHIT THAT IS VELMA!'"

"But imagine one day a 14-yr old Japanese girl walks up to you and just shouts out 'Spread your legs!' I had no idea how to react to that. If she'd whipped out a gun or a a samurai sword or even a small woodland animal I could have dealt with that, but 'Spread your legs!' left me completely incapacitated."

"So I asked 'What did the Pilgrims eat for the first Thanksgiving?' One boy enthusiastically raised his hand and said 'Oh, I know, I know! Indians.'
The pilgrims may have screwed the Indians out of their land but I'd like to think at least we didn't eat them."

"I bet you that wasn't even the school's bullhorn. It was probably his own personal bullhorn he brought from home."

"So if you see a girl who is not at all well-adjusted and you think she'd be the last person on Earth fit to have a kid, she's probably as fertile as the supple plains of Idaho. You may not even have to have sex with her, just wave your sperm in her general direction, that should do it."

"CosmoGirl was right, this is so my nail polish color!"

"Being of the opinion that two adolescent heads were more dim-witted than one, he found he wasn't that surprised to find that they had both cooked up this dunderheaded scheme."

"You are the carpenter to my walrus! You know what this calls for? BOOB HUG!"

"You should add a random soliloquy. Explain what it's like to be a card in a world full of 'roundies'."

"Hey, you do know that you have a pair of tits in your recycle bin..."

So, one day, there was this Fish walking down the road.
A Beaver stopped him.
"Excuse me, sir, I was wondering if you are aware there are several bites taken out of your dorsal area?"
He was a well-educated beaver.
The Fish was no slouch either.
"Yes, I am well aware, sir. I was present when they were taken."
The Beaver was perplexed.
"And are you all right with the fact that there were bites taken out of your dorsal region?"
The Fish gave him a long look.
"Well, I ought to be. I took them."
The Beaver was aghast.
"Whyever would you do that, my good man?"
The Fish was now beginning to doubt the beaver's "education".
"Because, you demented absurdity of a mammal, I taste like fish."
The End.

"So."
"Yes?"
"Lacy hat?"
"No."

"Now all I need is a panda."

"Yeah, well you didn't have to watch them molesting him causing his smug but 'oh, I don't care' reaction. I kept trying to turn away, but they kept talking to me. I couldn't stop. It's like when you see someone who's just been eaten by a wild animal. Some parts are left, but it's still really gross. You don't want to look, but you can't help it because it stole your free will."

"You should have them all. Got to catch 'em all."
-Thoughts on virtue.

"I am so anal retentive, I touched up a two year old painting I did for art class."

"Man, if you ever wear this to a party and run into someone with the same costume that's like the perfect moment to form a suicide pact. 'Oh, you don't have anything left to live for either? Want to go outside and asphyxiate in my car with me?' While the two girls in the elaborate Cleopatra costumes are making out on the couch in the living room for attention the two bargain ninja turtles quietly slink away to the garage and hook a hose up to the exhaust."

"Chewbacca struggles for his keys in the poorly lit parking lot. There is an ominous jangling. "Who's there?" The jangling gets louder. Chewbacca finally finds his keys and just as he gets them into the door on his Escort he is taken from behind by a slot machine."

"Snorgle Snorgle...That's how my laugh sounds. I've just realized."

"'Mom! I can explain...Actually, it's pretty much what it looks like, but...' he trailed off realizing he wasn't wearing pants which made him somewhat less of a reliable source."