"Am I hot?"
"I tried to type something, but just got hard instead"

"Gamers across the world rose up in protest, and then sat immediately back down, panting heavily"

"Silly rabbit, tricks are for prostitutes"

"You were once shoved headfirst through someone's vagina. Why are you acting so dignified?"

"I mean, how do you do a clean version of Lysistrata? That would suck ass. I mean, what could it be?
Lysistrata: Stop the war
Athenian: No
Lysistrata: Ok, we're not making you any more sandwiches
Athenian: Oh no, no more sandwiches, but we're addicted
Lysistrata: Tough
Three weeks later
Athenian: WOE IS ME!!!!!! I can't stand not having any more sandwiches! Spartans, make peace!
Spartan: Agreed, that Lysistrata got our women to go on a no sandwich strike too. Let's make peace
There was much rejoicing and sandwiches after peace was made"

"Could there be any doubt that the Jews would seek to harm the Son of God again, knowing that his body was now readily accessible in the form of defenseless crackers?"
-Sam Harris, The End of Faith: Religion, Terror, and the Future of Reason

"God has a special providence for fools, drunks, and the United States of America."
-Otto von Bismarck

"I'd date myself with boobs"

"A Bavarian is halfway between an Austrian and a human being."

"The very existence of the flamethrower proves that at some point, someone, somewhere thought, 'I want to light those people over there on fire, but I'm not quite close enough to get to job done"

"How strange; she and I are both acting as if this is little more than a polite social visit. Please ma'am, ignore my army. I take it everywhere"
-Enchanter, by Sara Douglass

"I was doing sumersaults with her in the air and now I'm pantsless."

"See, it's not really repression, it's a carnival"

"Man, that is colder than a penguin's third nipple"

"Don't lose too many of your marbles this weekend or else Matthew will have to mail them to you"

"I'm sorry"
"For what?"
"The hurricane"
"Well, I wasn't really blaming that on you"