David: yes, or, he had sex with his gun and it orgasmed
Me: bullets are gun sperm?
David: Yes

"I just keep asking myself, 'Where did that dancing turtle come from?'"

"I just don't eat people"

Lauren: TURTLE
Me: DANCING
Me: put them together and what have you got
Lauren: DANCING TURTLES OF LOVE!!!!!!!!!!

they're like
AYEM SUXH A LEZBEAN
and I'm like
"You fucking dyke whore, fuck off."
and they're like
YOO R PREGJUCIEDSDEDD
and I'm like
"I'm bisexual, fuckface."
and they're like
...BISTXC
then they leave

Ryan: there, got it out
Me: ...
Me: how wrong that sounds to the perverted mind
Ryan: hope she doesnt feel bad anymore
Ryan: lol!
Me: who why when where and what the hell?
Ryan: Lauren
Me: oh
Me: the fact that youre actually talking about your penis makes that earlier statement worse

"You wear a lot of rainbows"
"I'm bisexual"
"Oh it's just a phase"
-I LOVE IT

"I only have five cards, I need another"
"No, there's one under your boob"
"What? Oh...didn't see it"

"Put the phone down and I'll call for you when it's commercial"
|Minutes Elapse|
"ARIANE!"
"AUGH. That is so freaky, it's like my stomach is calling out to me"
|Spastic Laughter|
"I LOVE IT OMEG THAT'S GREAT"
"I don't love it"

"I can't really picture Angel in tights...|pause|...oh now I can and it's really disturbing"

Olivia: if i ever had to drag his body, being that i killed him or hes unconcious, i would have a hard time.

"Oh, it don't make no kinda sense. Big ol' ox like Grady can't sit and have a meal next to a colored child. But he eats eggs, shoot right out a chicken's ass"

Me: skirt story, flashing, not pants, skinny dipping
Me: honestly
Me: does anything i do NOT involve nudity
Stephen: lol
Stephen: dunno
Me: the irony of this question is i was just naked like five minutes ago
Stephen: lol

"What are you playing?"
"What?"
"I hear video game music, what are you playing?"
"....That's the toilet flushing"
"Oh...must be the phone makes it sound musical..."

"Step One: Slit my throat,
Step Two: Lay in my blood,
Step Three: Cover me in dirty sheets and run laughing out of the house,
Step Four: Stop at Lake Michigan and rinse your crimson hands,
You took me hostage and made your demands, I couldn't meet them so you cut off my fingers,
ONE BY ONE"

"It's a fucked world, We're a fucked up place, Everybody's judged by their fucked up face, Fucked up dreams, Fucked up life, A fucked up kid, With a fucked up knife"

And Now For Samantha, Sarah, And Jessica's Dirty Alphabet
Brought to you by boring as H fourth period.
It has been broken down into simpler terms and explanations for you:

A is for Asshole, B is for Bitch, C is for Cum, but that's not it.
D is for Dumbass and E is for Erection, also F is for Fuck and G is for Gonads, cause you want G to do F, but without E it's not very good.
H is for Hell and that's where you're going if you're an I is for Idiot.
J is for Jackass(or Joey if you'd like) and K is for Kunt(Joey has one we think).
L is for Lick and we're not talking about a popsicle but sometimes something shaped like one.
M is for Masturbation and N is for Nipple and if you think those are related your M may be wrong and I feel sorry for your N.
O is for Orgasm and I need not explain that a P is for Penis is typically involved.
Q is for Queer which is only something dirty to call someone and R is for Rectal and R is for Q's who need to get off.
S is for Shit which is just plain nasty, T is for Tit which some consider S.
U is for Underwear cause they're not always there and V is for Vagina
W is for Willy and X is for X-rated and W usually stars in those with V and R and some T and F and E and half the alphabet.
Y is for Yaoi cause I'm cultural and know it's Man-Sex and Z is for Zest because you want to have that in your Y, right Kristi?
And now you know your ABC's, don't tell Mommy you sang with me.

"Vincent took acid and tried to flush a sofa down the toilet"

"Sheila allegedly masturbated with a hot dog and had to go to the emergency room"

"And now I have clam taste in my mouth"

"What's Tuesday plus four?"

Shannon: draco/mione is fun too
Me: yes
Me: cause she DOESNT punch him
Shannon: yup
Me: but you can tell he likes to be smacked around
Me: haha
Me: Draco likes it rough
Shannon: yea he does;-)
Me: time for bondage fun
Me: when dracos in your bed
Shannon: why do you think i have those handcuffs?
Me: well i knew they werent for orli, his hands are connected to him
Me: plus you can tell that he is all sweet
Me: cause hes an elf
Shannon: yea
Shannon: but hes also a pirate
Me: ah but a half breed wishing to disprove his roughness
Shannon: lol
Me: so he'd be gentle
Me: and aragorn would be wild but not rough
Me: and pippin would be energetic
Shannon: merry and pippin vary
Shannon: it depends on what slash you read
Shannon: most of the time pippins the girl
Me: he can still be energetic
Me: merry would be all dominating
Shannon: yea he is
Shannon: merrys always dominating and protective
Shannon: and not wanting to hurt pippin
Shannon: and pippins the girl
Shannon: LOL
Me: heehee
Me: ron would be awkward
Me: i dont care how they write him, he's awkward
Shannon: yes
Shannon: and mione is always an in the closet freak!
Me: hell yes
Me: you know shes read the kama sutra
Shannon: hell yea
Me: and harry would be early
Shannon: hahahahaha
Me: and crabbe and goyle cant get any so they jack off to dracos picture
Shannon: no crabbe and goyle are gay and do it w/ each other
Me: eventually
Me: but they dont know that at first
Me: and they probably do it with not a mirror above their bed but a beast pic of draco
Shannon: oh ok
Shannon: man i want a huge pic of draco above my bed
Me: haha
Me: you can
Shannon: i think i will
Shannon: tons of pictures
Me: yes
Shannon: draco collage
Shannon: who haven't we talked about?
Me: ummmmm.....adults
Me: and you can bet that dracos daddy doesnt even mess up the covers
Me: and washes up after
Shannon: hahaha
Me: and i think sirius is bi
Shannon: sirius would be good in bed
Shannon: him and lupin slash is great!
Me: yeah he would
Me: yeah it is
Shannon: i love it
Shannon: they're so cute
Shannon: cuz they're both puppys!
Me: heehee
Me: sirius wouldnt have just one style
Me: he'd do what you want
Shannon: hell yea
Shannon: role play
Me: and lupin would be another sweet one
Me: with anyone but sirius
Shannon: yea with sirius he'd be wild
Me: hed go beast
Me: and pettigrew would be another premature ejaculator
Me: or a not ejaculate at all-er
Shannon: and james was prob good
Shannon: even though harrys not
Me: yeah
Me: he and lily probably had good sex
Me: not sirius sex
Me: but good sex
Shannon: hahaha
Shannon: no one has sirius sex
Me: not anymore
Me: |damn jkr|
Shannon: :'(
Shannon: poor moony
Shannon: 2 of his b/fs died
Shannon: and ones evil
Me: and impotent
Shannon: yea see poor moony
Shannon: and and sirius was his lover too
Shannon: so know who is lupin gonna do it w/?
Me: hm
Me: we could find him a nice she wolf
Shannon: yea but i mean no one compared to sirius
Me: yes
Me: but then no one ever could anyway
Me: thats the risk you take when doing sirius
Shannon: but its a risk i would take
Me: hell yes
Me: who else?
Shannon: uhhhh
Shannon: fred and george would be fun!!!!
Me: aw man i feel a confusing threesome coming on
Shannon: oh man that'd be awesome
Shannon: " OH FRED I MEAN GEORGE I MEAN FRED I MEAN GEORGE......"
Me: youd just end up having to shout "FREORGE!"
Shannon: hahahaha
Shannon: i think they'd have the 2nd best sex, after sirius
Shannon: then i think draco in 3rd place
Me: yes
Me: his bondage fun
Shannon: yes
Me: i think id put aragorn 4
Shannon: yea
Shannon: oh man we didn't talk about WOOD
Me: aww man the name says it all
Shannon: yes it does
Me: wood would be 5
Me: i dont think he
Me: would have a style either
Me: his only purpose is to please you
Shannon: i bet hes done it on the qudditch feild
Shannon: maybe even on the broom in the air
Me: aw man
Shannon: that'd be difficult but fun
Me: i think he could manage it
Shannon: i think so too
Me: diggory would be too cocky
Me: haha cocky
Shannon: hahaha
Me: i wouldnt do diggory
Shannon: me either
Me: i think wood is tied with aragorn
Me: lets see
Me: 1-sirius
Me: 2-twins
Me: 3-draco
Me: 4-wood and aragorn
Me: 5-lupin and orli
Me: does this conclude the lotr/hp sex talk?
Shannon: yes

"Well, maybe Brock didn't get the girl...but at least he got the Golbat!"

"Yes. Noah and I spent Saturday together. It was groovy. I like him a lot."
"I want juicy details."
"I had Tropicana for breakfast this morning. Without pulp."

"They all know I'm gay, and that their boobs mean as much as their elbows to me"

"He’d actually had to remind himself to breathe, but then the little voice in his head telling him ‘in’ and ‘out’ had suddenly developed a naughty twist and he’d found himself unwillingly putting different connotations on those innocent words."

"I don't wanna be remembered as a fucking primate!"

"There's nothing funnier than a really cross panda"

"I merely use the tea towel to keep my balls still"

"How do you become a lesbian?"
"Why? Are you going to give it a go?"
"You can't just give it a go. You can't just think, Oh, I'll give being a lesbian a go."
"A go at what?"

Katie: Fucking christ can this goddamn day get any shittier?!
Me: if i dumped a bucket of squid down your pants?
Katie: No.
Me: that wouldnt make it worse?
Katie: nope
Me: ...
Me: what if the squid started doing things reserved for kouga?
Katie: .....that'd just be really gross.
Me: losing your v-card to a squid would be a bad ending to your day
Me: you must admit that
Katie: ....yeah.

"I think it really said, 'Don't make it look like a gay possum'"

David: Hello
Me: hi
David: are you going to the movies today?
Me: yes... you cant come
David: awwww : (... I have 4 dollars!
Me: not enough man
David: ... I have candy?
Me: sorry, got my own
David: ... I have pizza!
Me: drop the pizza at the theatre
David: awww can't I come in?
Me: just for a minute
David: can I get a hug?
Me: i dont think my boyfriend would appreciate that
David: how about a candy?
Me: ill bring you a mint
David: is it a chocolate mint?
Me: andes
David: andes?
Me: Andes Chocolate Mint
David: are those good?
Me: the best
David: YAY! Thank you!