"How would you pronounce a capital letter?"
"I hate it when the books I read are smarter than me"

"The snorts and giggles stop him cold for a second. He shoots me a look I'd like to frame and put on my wall."

"Crope and Tibbett, as if on cue, launched into some silly banter about their professional goals of being abducted by pirates of the desert and made to dance the fandango dressed only in slave shackles."

"Wow.."
"Did you say something?"
"That was...wow..."
"Is that a term for something?"
"Yeah, for damn good"

"You are the best woman to ever exist."
"...because i dont mind sperm?"
"Yes."

"Do you think he'd be a loud orgasmer?"
"Well...hm, how loudly does he sneeze?"
"REALLY loud"
"Well, I heard that sneezing is one-tenth of an orgasm so I suppose the noise you make then is about accurate"
"Ohh.."
"What does it say about me then if when I sneeze I fly backwards?"
"That I feel bad for anyone who has sex with you?"

Disclaimer: Verily, these characters are not mine. I make no money from this. I merely borrowed these characters for fun and then they started giving each other vindictive blowjobs. Who am I stand in their way?

"He paused by the door, turning to eye me suspiciously -- though that might be an unfair description, since he looked at everything suspiciously. He probably looked at his sock drawer with suspicion."

My Ironic Death is as follows:
I will be killed by a drunk driver while I am driving and I'm doing something my father doesn't approve of and if I hadn't been wearing my seatbelt I would've lived.
-I will be killed in a car accident because I prefer driving over flying, statistics be damned.
-It will be a drunk driver because I am always telling people not to drink.
-I will be driving because I always exaggerate how bad I am and say that I will get into accidents.
-My father is always telling me not to drive all around town or do this or that because I'll end up being killed. And he'll be right.
-I ALWAYS wear my seatbelt and tell others to do so.

In the sixteenth century, witch hunting hit its peak. A witch was considered anyone who entered into a pact with the devil and met with her fellow witches in the forest to have an orgy and eat babies. One of the main reasons witches were persecuted was misogyny. The fact that women had many and difficult orgasms spoke of their sexual insatialbility and inclination towards orgasms. Men also believed women to be weak and susceptible to the devil's thrall.

Witches were burned because of the mystery of the female orgasm.

"...I mean, if I can get him to smile or even laugh? Wow. I've always wanted to see what Hell looked like when it was frozen over."

"Damn all pheromones and women in red velvet. "

"It's called dating and not marriage for a reason. People in high school are way too serious. They're like, 'Why aren't you slitting your wrists over a dumb arguement?" and I'm like, "You're dumb." And then they kill themselves. But at least I've saved society."

Mike: you know what tomorrow is!?
Me: twin day?
Mike: no
Mike: well
Mike: maybe for your school
Mike: but

"I've decided I'm going to do something big...and no, it's not him...well, not yet anyway..."

"Arrr. My PC is pissing me off..."
"So, you made a pirate noise?"

"Why would anyone want a hat that says 'Bandildo?'"

"They made a raft out of dead bodies...and then it got weird"

ARTHUR: Hello.
MAN: 'Allo. Whoo is eet?
ARTHUR: I am King Arthur and these are the Knights of the Round Table. Whose castle is this?
MAN: This is the castle of of my master, Guy de Loimbard.
ARTHUR: Please go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest, and if he will give us food and shelter for this night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
MAN: Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen. He's already got one, you see?
ARTHUR: What?
GALAHAD: He says they've already got one!
They are stunned.
ARTHUR: Are you sure he's got one?
MAN: Oh yes. It's very nice
+ CUT TO BATTLEMENTS. THE TAUNTER (MAN) turns to some others.
+MAN: + I told him we already got one.+
They all giggle.
ARTHUR: Well ... can we come up and have a look?
MAN: Of course not! You are English pigs.
ARTHUR: Well, what are you then?
MAN: I'm French. Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king.
GALAHAD: What are you doing in England?
MAN: Mind your own business.
ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail we shall storm your castle.
Murmurs of assent.
MAN: You don't frighten us, English pig-dog! Go and boil your bottoms, son of a silly person. I blow my nose on you, so-called Arthur-king, you and your silly English Kkkk-Nnnnig-Its.
He puts hands to his ears and blows a raspberry.
GALAHAD: What a strange person.
ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man!
MAN: I don't want to talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal, food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.
GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
MAN: No. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.

A Post-It Note I Saw On My Guidance Counselor's Desk:
"Emo Kid: Define"

"Thank you so much for helping him"
"Well, I guess I'm just a sucker for stray dogs and naked guys"

NOTE: This conversation is between two males.
"I don't feel like checking your list; do you have inmemory? Anything by them, rather?"
"yea,their first ep and their first lp, which is all that exists by them i think"
"Up it all, and I will have sex with you whenever you want. And I don't mean stupid lie-down boring bitch sex. I'll ride you like a fucking car."
"you have no idea how good that sounds"
"Seriously. You should write that down and look at it whenever you're sad. Because if that doesn't cheer you up, you need a lot of vodka. And in all liklihood, you'll all ready be full of vodka. So that's double happiness."
"i already printed it out and put it in my wallet"
"Damn right."
"alright the ep will probably be up in about 20 minutes and the album in 30-40"
"Thanks, my friend. Seriously, car sex. Not faggy volkswagon 5mph-over-a-speedbump queer strolling. Corvette ninja stomp off a cliff, motherfucker."
"it's cool, i have a cavalier"
"What color is it?"
"yellow, but it's like a dark yellow, manly, not like that gay pale yellow"
"What color's the interior?"
"black, and its got tinted windows for privacy"
"It'll be red after I'm done fiercly pillaging your asshole for upping me InMemory."
"hahaha"
"I'm in a good mood. Haha."
" so am i now"
"You're welcome honey bran cruch."
"thanks sugar tits"
"Tickle my sugarbowl."
"dont tempt me"
"Oh, I'm tempting you."
"Fuck"
"Tickle it, gigglenuts... I fucking love the music and the way his voice sounds. I've all ready masturbated twice to it. At the same time, too. I didn't even know that was possible."
"hahaha"

"I should be the one with your screenname"
LAME

"I didn't even feel my car hit the wall because my heart is broken.
And then I laughed"
DOUBLE LAME