"We haven't even seen each other in a year"
"That's not true, we see each other all the time"
"Only because you stalk me"
"I don't stalk you..I lurk.......but when I'm not there, you look for me!"
"How do you know?
"...Because I am there, lurking from a distance"
"I have to go get my puss-hole inspected"
"And sprayed? Disinfected? Make sure there are no bugs?"
"!!!!!!! You're so disgusting!"
"What, you're the one that said it like that in the first place"
Friday, June 02, 2006
My Graduation Present From My Sister:
"So I was driving home from school yesterday and my phone rang. My phone rings often so I had no reason to expect that anything out of the ordinary was going on. I looked at the screen, an 813 number. Odd, but once again, I suspected nothing. Naively, I answered.
'Hello'
'Elizabeth?' It seemed to be a man of some sort.
'Yea'
'Elizabeth Grow?'
'Uh-huh,' it was at this point that I started getting nervous. The voice was familiar but it couldn't be....
'Elizabeth, this is Julie Jones. Julie Jones from Robinson High School. You might remember me as Jules.' What? Jules?
No,' I said, hoping she would hang up.
'Think back Elizabeth. Class of '02. Soccer? I was the other captain. National Honor Society? Are you drunk?'
'I'm not drunk, I just took a big hit of crack though.'
'Crack-cocaine? Do you want to be a prostitute?'
'Is that an offer big daddy?' I waited for her to laugh, having briefly forgotten that she had been born without a sense of humor. 'No, I'm not fucked up and yes I remember you. Why are you calling me? And more importantly, where did you get my phone number?'
'Can't a friend call a friend, Elizabeth?'
'Yes, but why are you calling me.'
'Elizabeth, news of your shenanigans has traveled south to Tampa and I have been concerned for quite some time so I have taken the power back and decided to phone you to see if you need a supportive ear.'
'What? Power, shenanigans....what? Julie, excuse me, Jules, what the hell are you talking about?'
'Don't be coy Elizabeth. There is no need to be embarrassed. Pain shared is pain lessened.' I dared not point out her misuse of the word coy.
'Julie, I'm fine....in more ways than one if you know what I mean. He he.' No laughter, she was obviously unimpressed.
'Elizabeth, need I remind you that you are speaking to a multi-talented individual right now. I know that a person like you is easily intimidated by a person like me so for now just pretend that we are equals.'
'We can't possibly be equals Julie, you outweigh me by like 200 pounds at this point.'
'This is not the time for metaphors Elizabeth.' Oh Julie, still in denial.
'Alright, I'll humor you, what have you heard?'
'No, I'll humor you by telling you what you must already know. Drugs, sex and rock and roll. A failed marriage and an amputated arm. Are you happy with the way your life has turned out? I am bewildered. You could have had the world on a serving dish and now you'll be dead in less than a year.' All I really heard was 'bewildered' which I interpretted as 'bewilderbeest', so I laughed. On the other end of the phone I heard a long sigh.
'Then it is all true. Don't cry Elizabeth, just make the most of the time you have left.'
'What? Time left?'
'I know it has Elizabeth, it escapes us all.'
'No no no no. No. Wait, what? Don't answer. I'm not dying sir and if I had only one arm, how could I possibly drive, talk to you, and smoke a cigarette?'
'Oh, that's just grand. You are a smoker too. Well old friend, I understand your need for denial. I myself get sad from time to time. It's okay. I anticipated that this attempt would be fruitless but I have opened the door. If and when you ever find yourself willing to have an adult conversation, you have my number. Use it don't lose it.'
'...Okay,' was the only word that I could think of.
'Fare well Elizabeth. I mean that. Fare well over the rough seas of life. If you ever need a woman of strength, I am not more than a call away and I'll be there when you need a friend.'
'Alright, James Taylor.'
'Julie Jones.'
'Right...bye.'
'Fare..'
'Yea, you too', and I hung up. Well, last time I changed my number it was because a disgruntled dealer to whom I owed a large sum of money was harassing me. I figure that this is a much better reason."
"So I was driving home from school yesterday and my phone rang. My phone rings often so I had no reason to expect that anything out of the ordinary was going on. I looked at the screen, an 813 number. Odd, but once again, I suspected nothing. Naively, I answered.
'Hello'
'Elizabeth?' It seemed to be a man of some sort.
'Yea'
'Elizabeth Grow?'
'Uh-huh,' it was at this point that I started getting nervous. The voice was familiar but it couldn't be....
'Elizabeth, this is Julie Jones. Julie Jones from Robinson High School. You might remember me as Jules.' What? Jules?
No,' I said, hoping she would hang up.
'Think back Elizabeth. Class of '02. Soccer? I was the other captain. National Honor Society? Are you drunk?'
'I'm not drunk, I just took a big hit of crack though.'
'Crack-cocaine? Do you want to be a prostitute?'
'Is that an offer big daddy?' I waited for her to laugh, having briefly forgotten that she had been born without a sense of humor. 'No, I'm not fucked up and yes I remember you. Why are you calling me? And more importantly, where did you get my phone number?'
'Can't a friend call a friend, Elizabeth?'
'Yes, but why are you calling me.'
'Elizabeth, news of your shenanigans has traveled south to Tampa and I have been concerned for quite some time so I have taken the power back and decided to phone you to see if you need a supportive ear.'
'What? Power, shenanigans....what? Julie, excuse me, Jules, what the hell are you talking about?'
'Don't be coy Elizabeth. There is no need to be embarrassed. Pain shared is pain lessened.' I dared not point out her misuse of the word coy.
'Julie, I'm fine....in more ways than one if you know what I mean. He he.' No laughter, she was obviously unimpressed.
'Elizabeth, need I remind you that you are speaking to a multi-talented individual right now. I know that a person like you is easily intimidated by a person like me so for now just pretend that we are equals.'
'We can't possibly be equals Julie, you outweigh me by like 200 pounds at this point.'
'This is not the time for metaphors Elizabeth.' Oh Julie, still in denial.
'Alright, I'll humor you, what have you heard?'
'No, I'll humor you by telling you what you must already know. Drugs, sex and rock and roll. A failed marriage and an amputated arm. Are you happy with the way your life has turned out? I am bewildered. You could have had the world on a serving dish and now you'll be dead in less than a year.' All I really heard was 'bewildered' which I interpretted as 'bewilderbeest', so I laughed. On the other end of the phone I heard a long sigh.
'Then it is all true. Don't cry Elizabeth, just make the most of the time you have left.'
'What? Time left?'
'I know it has Elizabeth, it escapes us all.'
'No no no no. No. Wait, what? Don't answer. I'm not dying sir and if I had only one arm, how could I possibly drive, talk to you, and smoke a cigarette?'
'Oh, that's just grand. You are a smoker too. Well old friend, I understand your need for denial. I myself get sad from time to time. It's okay. I anticipated that this attempt would be fruitless but I have opened the door. If and when you ever find yourself willing to have an adult conversation, you have my number. Use it don't lose it.'
'...Okay,' was the only word that I could think of.
'Fare well Elizabeth. I mean that. Fare well over the rough seas of life. If you ever need a woman of strength, I am not more than a call away and I'll be there when you need a friend.'
'Alright, James Taylor.'
'Julie Jones.'
'Right...bye.'
'Fare..'
'Yea, you too', and I hung up. Well, last time I changed my number it was because a disgruntled dealer to whom I owed a large sum of money was harassing me. I figure that this is a much better reason."