"There are no "okay" alligator wrestlers"

"Man, that's a great idea, I need to start covering my breasts when I talk, too. Maybe people will listen then!"

"I don't think I'm cut out for the whole bright and sunny thing but I'm glad you're in my bathtub"

"I want to take a nap"
"Well, that's a shame since you can't. For you see, you have not yet seceded from the Union"

"Oh no, it's the penultimate pornpocalypse"

"I'm almost fifty years old and I've never before seen a man take his guitar to the bathroom with him"

"I could actually hear you smile"

"At least we'll know where the hotel is tomorrow"
"We say that every time and we never fucking find it"

"Who is so stressed out at Disney World that they need to get high?"

Cook should never wax his floors.

"You have to understand that the New England colonies were never that important to England. In some ways, Newfoundland was more important. Newfoundland, for example, produced cod which is useful; New England only produced Puritans which are assholes"

"You could stab me in the face and do you honestly think I'd stop loving you for it as i died? I'd be cliche enough to quote a lyric here, but that'd be silly"

"He's a lawn golem. That pointed hat was like prison garb. He shivved the Guatemalan groundskeeper, ditched his pointed hat in an alleyway, and mugged a cartoon hobo for his clothes"

"I got shot in the Rhonda!"

"When you look at the word Catholic it just looks like you're addicted to cats"
"That's actually where it comes from...slash it means open or universal....but mostly it's the cat thing"

"Damn it!...I had syphillis, but then I lost it"

"What-the-fuck-Kassie?!"

Points a gun
"Gimme all your cosmetics and your singles"
"Ooooo! Are we going to a strip club?"

"Tiddly-winks are like a cold window on my arm"

"We: The only time "I is" is acceptable in a sentence"