"I don't just look at my penguin in the middle of the day"

"That's why little girls like rocking horses"
"That's not why I did! I liked it because it was a pony!"
"I'm sorry to break it to you, but no"
"My whole life is a lie!"

"I rode horses for eight years though! I'm so dirty!"
"Well, that's not why you did it, it was just like enjoyment on the side"
"What if it was though? My whole life is a lie!"

David: samantha, can i tell you a secret?
David: i think i have a crush on someone
Me: who?
Me: the spoke?
David: well besides the spoke
David: 'AROLD!!!
David: just flying's so sexy.....and those passenger seats just turn me on like nothing else
David: AND WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Me: well you see
Me: when you were a small child
Me: this flying sheep came to you in your dreams
Me: and ever since that magical night
Me: you havent been able to get it out of your mind
Me: you need the sheep
Me: you
Me: need
Me: 'arold
David: lol, i already admitted i'm gay.....
David: is the next step to admit i'm sexually attracted to flying sheep too?
Me: well, i believe thats what the baptists have been saying

"Well, I'm Catholic, so the only condom I need is the one for my ipod"

"A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engine ered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day, his supply of the birds ran out so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises."
-It could happen to you.

" I enjoyed your article in today's paper about preparing matzo balls. It reminds me of my poor attempt at humor with some of my goyishe friends. One was a sympathizer of PETA and I had fun jerking his chain a little bit.
I asked him if he had heard of GETM, or Goyim for the Ethical Treatment of Matzos. He had not, since I just made it up. I explained that there were Matzo breeding farms and that just before Passover most of the male matzos were rounded up and then the shocet performed the ritual slaughter and removed the batezem, or testicles from each matzo. The remainder of each male matzo carcass was sent to Chinese restaurants and it was considered treif, even if the Chinese cooks called it beef in their various dishes. I explained that the mama matzos (or mamzers) were spared and bred again.
I explained the laws of ritual slaughter, or shechitah, to him and explained that it was done in the least painful way possible, but that the members of GETM were trying to find the locations of these matzo breeding farms and free the matzos.
I told him he should get some bumper stickers made up for his group with the legend: FREE THE MATZOS. I had him going until he confronted a person who told him where matzos really came from."

"I wanted to learn how to fly an aeroplane"
"OH an aeroplane. Well, we are grand, aren't we? 'No, no, no more buttered scones for me, waiter, I'm off to play the grand piano. Pardon me while I fly my aeroplane'"