"You cannot live on a diet of just sperm and rice cakes"

"And that's why you should never lie"
"One day someone might find your naked pregnancy pictures?"

"There's also some fucked up northern european law practices......like clearly the just party will win in a duel"
"I know ive won every duel I've ever had and thus am always right...God lets hope not..."
"Yeah, cause I need someone fun to keep me company in hell and we all know those popes won't be as fun as you"

"I thought you were playing battleship, but it was just your laptop"

"The city of cats and the city of men exist one inside the other, but they are not the same city"

"Marcovaldo realized he had finally reached the heart of the cats' realm, their secret island. And, in his emotion, he almost forgot his fish"

"I'm dead. I died when you started telling me about this. And yet you continue to talk as if I can hear you."
"I think thats what happened to the old woman. I plan on reading this book to any children I may have when im older"
"So you can kill them young and sell their supple flesh to the Irish?"
"Remind me not to breed with you"
"Because I might kill our children in vengence against you and turn a profit by selling their supple flesh to the wide Irish markets?"
"Because you are capable of having ideas that are both completely moronic and yet also prove that you are educated"
"That is a rare talent I am proud to possess."

"Sorry, we were hanging out in the asteroid belt"

"They'd all already seen my ass, I didn't figure it mattered what I said after that"