"R comes before H, H comes before H dot"

"I'm going to Scotland in a few weeks"
"Didn't know you were into dudes in skirts"
"Well, you know, easy access"

"In his discussion of religion and patronage, even the footnotes are filled with tables and he brings in so many examples of different families that the reader can become quite distracted from the central argument. It is good to be thorough, and his research can certainly help future generations of eighteenth-century historians, but he has put so much candy in the bag that either the bag is going to break or the child is going to get diabetes."
-I should not write a paper ever again while thinking of Halloween candy.

"That there is Inequality in the Sexes, and that for the better economy of the World, the Men, who were to be the Law-givers, had the larger share of Reason bestowed upon them, by which means your Sex is the better prepared for the Compliance that is necessary for the better Performance of those Duties which seem to be most properly assign'd to it....[Nature] hath made you such large Amends by other Advantages, for the seeming Injustice of the first Distribution, that the Right of Complaining is come over to our Sex. You have it in your power not only to free yourselves but to subdue your Masters and without Violence throw both their Natural and Legal Authority at your feet."
-George Savile, Marquis of Halifax, "The lady's new year's gift; or, advice to a daughter" c. 1724

"If it's in perfect condition, happy days. If not, have a moan at the customer care department. And don't forget to quote the code on the pot so we know who to send back to noodle school"

"Store in a cool, dry place
(hint: try the cupboard)"

"King Hagan listens contently to your words of wisdom...
"It's a sad day when you can no longer trust friends is like the greed of a family of asparagus Angelpuss," you state thoughtfully.
He ponders all that you have said.
Wow! King Hagan is very impressed."

"Given the choice, I would rather not be a hermaphroditic goat"

"Now that the joyful event was only an hour away, she did have butterflies, or rather, half-starved velociraptors, spiraling around her stomach"

"Compasses point north because of a giant deposit of magnetic iron in Canada"

"Scientists drilled a whole all the way to the center of the earth, ran a microphone down there and heard people screaming, so that means hell is real"

"The Spanish Armada was a single massive ship"

"Babe Ruth was an important figure in baseball because he was the first Negro player"

"A networking teacher told her class that the internet didn't work at night. Yeah, they shut it down at night"

"Our headmaster told our whole assembly that we should have the moral courage to say no to drugs. Cue a double page spread of him doing cocaine off hookers' backs in the Daily Mail"